Before I had a baby I had a fantastic body.  I know that is an uncomfortable thing to read, and it’s uncomfortable to write, but I’m not going to do the normal self-depricating thing that so many of us do naturally because I have a point to make.

In order to maintain that awesome body I had a crazy healthy diet.  I never followed a “D”iet (you know, Atkins, South Beach etc) But was very strict about whole grains, lean meats, lots of fruits and veggies and little to NO sugary sweets.  Sound fun?  It actually wasn’t that bad because I honestly enjoy all those foods.  But I also really enjoy donuts. And Lucky Charms. And McDonalds french fries.  And milkshakes.  On top of wanting to stay thin and toned I have a horrible stomach that gets sick very easily so I physically can’t eat a lot of foods like ice cream and creme brulee and chocolate mousse.  And milkshakes.

I do enjoy eating crunched up granola bar in applesauce for an evening snack and I genuinely love grilled chicken with veggies.  And its a good thing because I logged many years when those kinds of foods were the only ones I would eat.  Some of it may have to do with the fact that I had an eating disorder right out of high school.  Even though my disorder wasn’t rooted in wanting to be thin, I think I will always be more aware of my body because of that experience.  Regardless of the reasoning behind the way I have always eaten, the interesting thing to me is that even though I always believed that I was making the best decisions for my body,  it took a pregnancy to teach me to really be kind to my body.

So let’s break this down: Pre-pregnancy lifestyle included super healthy foods ONLY, little to no “treats” and pilates every other day.  Post-pregnancy lifestyle includes a healthy diet supplemented with the occasional ultimate chip lovers cookie and a myriad of chicken nugget and hot dog pieces and pancakes for dinner.

What changed during my pregnancy?

First off, I gained forty pounds.  That may not seem like a lot but I have been a size two for years and never bigger than a size four and long & lean since I popped out of my mama.  Forty pounds felt like a lot on my frame.  I gained fifteen pounds in my first trimester and after a warning from my doctor was a responsible eater and did pregnancy pilates every other day for the last two trimesters.  Once Addie was born (three weeks early) and once I was done breast feeding (we lasted 13 months) I realized that I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight but my body just wasn’t the same.  Granted, I have not done pilates every other day like I did for five years prior to my pregnancy but I just have an extra layer of softness that I never had before.  I fought it for a while. We joined a gym, then had to quit after a few months because I didn’t go enough (not for lack of motivation but for lack of Addie liking the child care) I cut out finishing up Addie’s food, I even cut down on the homemade chocolate chip cookies.  But that stubborn layer is still there acting as a buffer between my skin and my ab muscles.  I can still see them but I’m not all skin, bone and muscle like I used to be.

Is that a good thing?  I don’t know.  But I do know that I have accepted the fact that I will not have my exact pre-baby body again.  I can have a great body, a healthy and strong body, but it will never be the same.  This holiday season was the first one since my early teenage years that I let myself eat whatever I wanted.  Do I feel a little more plush than usual?  Heck yeah I do.  But I also know its nothing to freak out about, like I normally would.  I’ll just start up my pilates again because it always makes me feel like a million bucks and whittles me where I need to be whittled.  By allowing myself to splurge sometimes I have become more content with who I am and I hope I will never again be so hard on myself about what I put into my body.

I used to think that I had to maintain ‘perfection’ because I felt so close to it, but I have learned – I am learning – that the only perfection I need to be concerned with is where I feel best about myself – not what I want others to see.  Thats a hard thing for me to admit to and to really adhere to.  But I work on it everyday because I don’t want Addison to ever see me having body issues. I want her to see her body as a vessel with which to play sports and nourish and take her to her full potential – not as something to punish and mold to unrealistic expectations.

I’m a work in progress, as I assume you are too.  But I promise to keep working towards loving myself the way I am, not the way I think I should be.