If you could travel back to the pivotal experiences in your life and change your actions/decisions, would you?

In one sense, I would do it in a heartbeat.  If I could take who I am today and have a do-over of high school and college I think it would make an enormous difference in my relationships, experiences and possibly even my life’s path.  I want to tell the Katie from my past that being seen as attractive and desirable is overrated, that being comfortable in her own skin is the most attractive thing of all.  I’d let her know that if she spoke up and let her voice be heard that the people who REALLY mattered would listen.  I’d tell her that she was not an expert…on anything, although she thought she was…on everything.  I’d tell her to cut negative people out of her life, that loyalty doesn’t mean anything when those people are saying horrible things behind her back.  She’d know that she could stand up and stop the nasty, untrue rumors rather than feeling pummeled by them day after day.  I’d make sure she knew that confidence and feeling self assured would become the cornerstone of her life.

I would go back and replace my overreactive flair for the dramatic and replace it with my current sense of calm and desire for reason.

Back then I did nothing with my knack for art and creativity and did my best to follow the Abercrombie wearing pack.  I’d, uh, do something about that.  Maybe double major in writing and fine arts. I’d for sure let myself be the wacky ball of quirkiness I am today.

I would tell that young Katie that she was fantastic. Body, mind and soul. And that she shouldn’t let anyone convince her otherwise.

But, I can’t go back in time. I drive a Lexus and the doors open outward, not upward and it has navigation, not a flux capacitor.  And all of those mistakes, missteps and lapses of confidence have made me who I am today.  Some of those decisions that I look back on and cringe with shame were stepping stones to my life today…a life that I adore.  The way I see it, the next best thing to time travel is my role as a parent.  I can take all those lessons that I learned and teach them to my daughter.  I hope that as she starts to pave her path through life that her stepping stones are those of confidence and assuredness. I want her to be proud of the books she reads, the sports she plays and the person she is – and will be.  I know that she will encounter her own brand of not so friendly friends and the temptation to be like everyone else.  Its possible that having a crazy artist mom will turn her into a type-A, organizational, left-brained opposite of me.  And that’s okay…as long as she owns it and loves who she is.

She can express herself however she needs to – grunge, goth, preppy, quirky, nerdy, sporty – I don’t care. But I’m never letting her out of the house in some of those outfits I used to wear!  And she’s not dating till she’s 30.

Other than that, the world is her oyster.

Last week I attended a get together for moms and their kids at a local park. It was fun, a big success with all kinds of moms (some dads) and kids of all ages.  While Addie played in the sandbox with friends I overheard a group of new moms who had just discovered that their sons were all about the same age.  I admit it, I’m a bit of a creeper and I listened in on their conversation.  And then, of course, I was irritated and wished that I had been smart enough to mind my own business.  Why? The Royal We.

Do you know what that is? Well, historically Royals use(d) the pronoun “We” rather than “I” with the mentality that they were bigger than the individual and represented the entire Royal Family.  So when the Queen really liked the new gown that had just been presented to her the response would be “We approve of this beautiful gown” not, “Wow, I like this gown a lot!”

On from the historical grammar lesson.  That day in the park was not my first run in with The Royal We… maybe its more appropriate to call it “The Mommy We.”  Here’s what went down:

Johnny’s Mommy was holding his hands while he took tentative steps on the squishy safety ground of the play area.  Sam’s mom was doing the same. When Johnny’s mom let go of his hands he kept walking.

“Oh! Look at him go! How old is your son?” Sam’s mom exclaimed.

“He’ll be thirteen months next week. Yours?” Johnny’s mom responded kindly.

“Well, we turned one last month but we’re not walking yet. We’ve been trying but its just not happening, so we’re just crawling.  But I’m sure we’ll do it soon!” Sam’s mom enthusiastically replied.

I won’t waste your time with more dialogue, here is the long and the short of it: according to Sam’s mom she doesn’t know how to walk, she is having a hard time eating with a spoon and, in my opinion, needs to see a gastroenterologist because she was very concerned about the timing and consistency of her poops.

UNLESS she was not, in fact, talking about herself but describing her son’s developmental milestones and mistakingly used the wrong pronoun in her descriptions.

Yes, I am a smartass when it comes to this topic.  Yes, I am being a little judgmental.  But I’m not going to lie and say that this “Mommy We” is not ridiculous. It is.  I understand that as parents we are so involved and invested in our children’s successes and hiccups that it feels like everything is happening to mom and child.  But most things are not, in most instances it is only the child who is learning to walk, or won’t eat pureed squash.  I can admit that there are exceptions: ‘We are going through the potty training process’ is a legitimate statement.  ‘We pooped on the potty today’ is weird. Because if it is true then there is a much bigger issue at hand than misused pronouns and it’s time to work on the ol’ informational filter.

Okay. I’ll leave you to ponder the implications of the “Mommy We.”  It’s Addie’s naptime and we need to sleep.

New moms are supposed to have a hard time losing their baby weight.  They are expected to let the weight settle into their once taught abs, watch their previously toned thighs grow to motherly softness and then cover everything up with unflattering “mom-jeans”.

Does this happen? Yes. Is it universal? No. Why does it make people so uncomfortable when a woman gives birth to a child and then loses the baby weight easily and regains her pre-baby figure? If the offended group was only made up of post-birth moms having a hard time with their bodies it would be easy to figure out why they were upset.  The thing is, women’s post-baby bodies are mass media fodder! Why? I understand that celebrities are subject to public scrutiny and their bodies are put under a tabloid microscope at all times, but this is getting ridiculous.

Bethenny Frankel is a reality TV personality known for her role on Real Housewives of New York.  She recently had a baby.  Three weeks after having a c-section she posed on the cover of US Weekly in a bathing suit.  What was the result? Media Outrage. She was branded as providing unreal expectations for new mothers that they should be able to replicate her results. The editor of FitPregnancy (a great magazine, by the way) issued the statement:

“I’m concerned if she’s taking care of herself, getting enough rest and enough food, and not obsessing about losing the weight so quickly.

I worry about the message that sends to the rest of us out here, who aren’t invested in that ‘skinny girl’ persona and don’t have trainers.”

I understand her point, but c’mon, women have different bodies. We gain and lose weight in ALL kinds of ways.  Bethenny Frankel may not be my first choice as role model to young girls in most life decisions but the women seems to know her nutrition.  She is a natural food chef! She writes books on healthy eating, and I gotta tell ya, her books may be based around her “skinnyGirl” persona, but she doesn’t promote starving or under-eating.  Here is her reaction to the backlash over her magazine cover:

“I gained 35 pounds during my pregnancy, and probably would have gained five more if Bryn wasn’t born five weeks early. The truth is, I was really healthy! I indulged, but in moderation. I was even eating red velvet cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. They say you should eat 300 more calories a day when you’re pregnant. I don’t count calories, but I’d say I was eating 400 more than I usually did per day.

My books about being naturally skinny have sold hundreds of thousands of copies. The bottom line is, it’s not so unrealistic to stay healthy while you’re expecting. You don’t have to gain 75 pounds unless you really decide, ‘I’m going to Taco Bell every day’ — and then you’ll have a lot more work to do later. I lost about 25 pounds in the hospital, just from the baby and all the baby stuff. Plus, I had a C-section, so I was in the hospital for six days, and you can’t really eat for three of those. But once I left the hospital, I still had about ten more pounds to go. I still am maybe five or six pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant, but it will fall off when it wants to.

In terms of the bathing-suit shot, I purposely didn’t wear a bikini in the photo. I thought it would be cheesy, so I wore a one-piece. I think I look like a mom; I don’t think I look scary-skinny. I think it’s good for a woman to know she can stay healthy during and after pregnancy. While I was pregnant, I did light walks and light yoga — I didn’t do anything crazy. It was all balanced!”

I agree with her.  I may not have an inside view into her life but from the evidence presented my ruling is that the public should back off.  She looks healthy, I have seen numerous other celebrities who took their weight loss/thinness to visibly unhealthy limits and were praised for their discipline.  What’s a mother to do?

Here’s what I think new mothers should say if someone should comment on your post-baby body: Lay off. It’s none of your business.

Mothers’ decisions are judged constantly – do we really need to have our weight loss/gain monitored as well? Here’s the easy answer: No. We don’t. It’s hard enough to determine how we feel about ourselves after such a huge life change without the added confusion of what everyone else sees us and our bodies.

So rock that bathing suit if you want to! I think you look great.