When I was pregnant with Addison I was content to let my body do what it needed to do to keep my baby healthy.  If I ate too much at dinner it didn’t bother me because my tummy couldn’t be contained regardless of what I ate!  I was focused on the little body moving inside of me rather than the way my body looked to others.  The only time I wanted my pre-baby body back was so I could crack my aching back or sleep on my stomach again…oh man did I want to sleep on my stomach again.

As soon as Addie was born I wanted my body back.  It wasn’t my first priority; dealing with learning how to nurse, getting to know my little girl as well as navigating a slew of new emotions took all my time.  But as things started to level out I wanted to feel like me again.  I didn’t know if I could have my pre-baby body back but I was willing to work for the best body I could get.  Hey, I had done pilates for five years prior to getting pregnant as well as pre-natal pilates until Addie was born…how hard could it be to snap back into shape?

Eighteen months later and I had barely flexed my core muscles.  Not the best way to get back into shape.  I ate well and walked a lot but I never really worked out.  I thought I looked pretty good until I saw pictures of myself and was NOT happy.  I could fit into my old jeans but they were a little tighter in the hips. I told myself that hips just get wider after a woman gives birth – it happens to everyone!  But it was harder to explain away the tummy.  And the soft, flabby arms.  And oh my, those thighs.   So I got on our family room floor and did my pilates.  I joined a gym and went as often as Addie would agree to go.  Things tightened, muscles returned.  I eventually got down to my pre-Addie weight and size but my body was just — different. The shape was a little curvier, I was no longer skin, muscle and bone.  I could see the top half of the six pack that used to grace my midsection but there was that damn flap of skin that stretches out when you have a child inhabit your body for nine and a half months.  Even though I could feel the muscles beneath that tummy skin I had no idea how to tighten the actual skin.  I figured I had worked hard and my body was as good as it was gonna get – until I gave birth to baby number two and paid for a secret tummy tuck.  Laugh all you want, call me vain, I don’t care – I wanted my abs back.

Then Tracy Anderson came into my life.  Heard of her? She is a trainer to the stars, namely a little known celebrity by the name of Madonna.  Oh yeah, she also trains Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Hudson and a number of other unbelievably toned bodies out there.  I had reached the point that I was using google to find ab toning techniques – ANYTHING to make my stomach completely flat again, up popped Ms. Anderson.

After a little research I found her Post-pregnancy DVD and shipped off my $30 packed carefully in my dreams of a perfect midsection.  When the dvd arrived it took me two weeks to open the shrinkwrap, unroll my yoga mat and get to it.  I didn’t think I was in bad shape until I huffed and puffed and groaned my way through this workout.  Holy mackerel it was HARD.  It made me sweat. It made me ache. It was the toughest workout I had ever done in my life, and this crazy woman on the screen was telling me to do it six days a week.  Not happening.  I decided on every other day and did my best to stick to it.  After three workouts I started to see the difference.  Abs were tighter.  Arms were stronger.  Golf game was better.  Skin flap was starting to disappear!  And as an added bonus, love handles were shrinking and my back was no longer soft along my waist!

Glory glory hallelujah!  Trancy Anderson quickly went from crazy woman to genius and sticking to my every other day routine became easy and I now actually look forward to my workout.  The insane moves that once seemed impossible are now enjoyable and I no longer stare at the TV and ask, “seriously? How do you expect me to do that?” I am in love.

And I have a flat stomach again.  And strong arms.  Before this DVD the only time I worked on my arms was when I was blow drying my hair.  Now they’re toned!

Every single body is different.  Every body requires a different routine.  But if you have been working out and just can’t get to the next level, buy this DVD.  Stick with it.  If you are disciplined and serious about improving your body this will do it.  In the intro of the DVD Tracy says that you should start the workout as soon as your doctor releases you to exercise, but if you can do this workout that soon after popping out your baby, you deserve a medal.  To get the most out of the workout make sure you understand how to access your core and work it properly – a beginners pilates routine can teach you the basic technique.  And as great as she is with creating a routine that strengthens your accessory muscles,  Tracy Anderson could use a little guidance on how to lead a DVD workout.  The first few times you follow along with her you have to watch and listen carefully or you’ll have no idea what is going on.  Once you get into the workout and start to see the results I’m sure you will be as thrilled as I am, maybe you’ll even want to tell all the other mothers that you know!

Say goodbye to those irritating spots that so many moms just accept as part of motherhood.  Love handles, tummy flap, flappy arms – you can say goodbye to all of them with a little (okay, a lot) of sweat and 47 minutes of “you time”.  Do it.  Tell me what you think.  I hope it works as well for you as it has for me!

What kind of parent gets their kid to do what they want by bribing them and threatening them?  I mean seriously, who does that?

I do.

Okay, so the word THREAT is a little dramatic; all I’m really doing is explaining the consequences of different actions.  Bribe rings true though…although I like to think of it as convincing or offering incentive! Does this mean that I am taking the easy way out? Does is mean that I am not living up to my potential as a mother?  I don’t think so at all.  Honestly, I can’t really think of a realistic alternative: what two year old would do something just because its the right thing to do?  I have yet to meet one.  It is our job as parents to set the groundwork for the understanding of what is right and wrong, what is and isn’t appropriate.  Right?

Let’s talk about threats, baby.  When I think of threats in the context of raising Addie I think of the times that she squats down in the middle of See’s candy store crying and screaming because she doesn’t want to go outside, or she refuses to eat lunch…or dinner, or breakfast for that matter.  I pick her up, or squat down on her level, and tell her in a calm and quiet voice that is she keeps throwing a fit/doesn’t eat/doesn’t stop sitting on kids smaller than her that we are going to have to go home.  Or she won’t get the chocolate milk she was looking forward to.  The threats that get her to stop whatever it is she’s doing are not mean, they’re not ever scary, they are just there to let her know that when she acts inappropriately it means that she doesn’t get to do the fun things that she wants to do.  Ninety nine times out of a hundred she stops and thinks about how badly she wants to be out shopping or how good that chocolate milk will taste and she settles down.

There is a secret: follow through.  I have had to leave Target without the things I needed because she wouldn’t stop throwing a fit.  Yes, it is irritating and not very convenient but it let’s her know that I mean business.  Eventually she started understanding that I wasn’t full of it and I would actually take her toys away and she started to listen.  The fits still happen, especially when she is hungry or tired (see this blog), but I rarely have to leave a full grocery cart anymore: she gets it before it gets to that point.  Would it be easy to take it too far and leave a child scared or emotionally hurt from a threat? Oh yes, I think it happens all the time.  One, I would never let Addie think that I was going to leave without her.  I do not want my child to think I am capable of abandoning her, ever.  Two, I never tell her I am mad at her or that she is in trouble, because I’m not and she’s not.  It is more important to get the lesson across without it being confused with fear of making me angry or that she is disappointing me.  I want her to be confident and I never want her to second guess herself because she’s afraid of someone else’s reaction.  And three, I am never, ever rough with her. I assume this goes without saying but the last thing I want is to have my child be afraid of me or think that being physical is the answer to anything.  Let her cry it out when I know she is safe and physically fine? Oh yeah, she’s had to cry it out numerous times, but she does it without fear that she will be punished. Sometimes you just gotta cry.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about bribes.  And don’t worry, I don’t have a well thought out explanation of their place in the good parenting handbook.  Addie is a little spoiled: that’s what it boils down to.  She has two parents giving her attention every day, she is an only child and we can afford to get her what she wants…to a point.  Does she expect a treat after she eats? Yes.  Does she get a chocolate milk at Starbucks when I get a coffee? Uh-huh.  She loves ne-ne’s (M&M’s) and cake and lollipops and the Disney store and the dollar section at Target…on and on.  Does she always get what she wants? No,  but only when she isn’t a good listener or is in fit throwing mode.  Am I advocating this to other parents, not really.  I don’t even know if we’ll do it this way if we have another kid, but it works really well with Addie.  She is a really easy, calm and fun kid to be around and we have been really lucky that telling her she won’t get an M&M keeps her from melting down…a lot of kids aren’t that easy. Our next one may be a pain in the butt.  For now, though, it doesn’t take a whole lot to point Addie in the correct behavioral direction.  We just have to make sure the path is peppered with chocolate candy.

How do you do it? Do you feel that you need to use threats and bribes in your parenting? Let me know, I’m fascinated by other parenting techniques…especially the ones that work!

You know when you walk by a parent struggling with their toddler and the parent seems to be at wits end trying to get their child to _________ (sit in the stroller/stop crying/put the toy back on the shelf/stop whining) and the kid just cries harder?  With whom do you sympathize in this situation, the parent or the child?

I would assume most parents would feel for their fellow parent. They would watch with an understanding nod of their head and think: man, I’ve been there. But not me, I watch the kid who is inevitably melting into hysterics on the ground.  Alright, every so often I feel for the parent too, but in very specific situations.  Let me explain.

I usually try to stay off my soap box and only speak from my own experiences in parenting.  Feeling judged is an awful, and guaranteed, part of parenting and I do not want to be the one giving some poor mom or dad the evil “your doing it wrong” eye.  But there is one thing I see parents doing all the time that I just can’t shut up about.  It is just not fair to the kids.

Please do not expect your child to react to life like a mature adult.  Or even an immature adult. It’s not fair.

What is she talking about? Am I right, is this what you’re thinking?  I see this all the time – parents getting mad at their children because they are crying in public, or squirming in the baby seat of the grocery cart.  Oh, it makes me so sad.  Why? Because those little ones are just starting to figure out how to act like a kid, they’re just starting to understand their place in the world.  And the world is a pretty confusing place when you’re two and a half feet tall.

I’m getting judgey and soap-boxy, I know.  But there are so many parents out there who have completely forgotten what its like to be a kid, or lack the imagination to think about the frustrations of being a toddler.  At the end of your rope because you’re trying to check out at Target but your two year old is flipping out?  Well, its lunch time. Your kid is hungry.  Well, when I’m hungry I don’t throw a fit! You may not sob uncontrollably when you feel hunger pangs but you have had YEARS to learn to control those urges.  Your child is brand spankin new and hasn’t learned how to appropriately express their discomfort.  Instead of yelling at him/her because she is crying again, why not express understanding that s/he is hungry and let them know that getting food in that belly is your top priority?  I have seen this countless times in public – what is that poor kid learning when his mom just gets mad at him when he is hungry?

When we took Addie to Disneyland for her second birthday the Happiest Place on Earth was teeming with screaming toddlers in strollers being pushed by pissed off parents.  Very vocal pissed off parents.  I am not making assumptions when I say that it is not reasonable to expect a three year old to spend hours in the heat of Florida – with or without crowds, long lines and jarring rides – without stopping for a nap and down time.  We paid a lot of money to come here and we’re not wasting any time on a nap/snack! is not an acceptable expectation.

Children need rest. And food. And breaks from excitement.  They need time to process what is going on around them before they make a decision about how to react and even then it may not be the correct reaction.  They need to learn about emotions and the proper way to express how they feel.  Children are works in progress, they are in training to be a part of society and it is YOUR job as a parent to be their teacher and guide.  We are not built to instinctively understand that hunger does not equal anger.  We have to learn the difference.  Even if yours is not a lovey-dovey, hand holding family, it is still your duty to patiently lead your child into understanding how the world works – not to yell at them until the message gets through.

Is this my opinion? Yes.  It is my opinion that adults should alter their expectations of their children’s social development.  Can you get upset with me if I throw a fit because I don’t want to sit in my chair for long periods of time? Sure, if that’s the way you roll, go ahead and get mad.  I’m an adult and I should know better. But when it comes to a child please stop, think about what could be so upsetting and imagine how YOU would feel in the same situation.  Then act accordingly while remembering that your reaction is making an indelible impression on that malleable mind.

I hope that the next time I am in line at the grocery store I see a mom leaning down to her crying child’s level and asking what’s wrong rather than telling the little one to quiet down or else.  I hope that the child knows that he can tell his mommy that he is tired and that she’ll listen and take him home so he can rest.  I hope that parent is you.

I promise to leave my soap box in the closet next time.