Most people flow through life knowing that bad things happen but believing those bad things will never happen to them.  What a blissful existence.

I am scared all the time.  The severity of the fear varies, sometimes its just a shadow kissing the back of my mind in specific moments, other times it consumes every moment of my day.  But I am devoid of the blissful ignorance.  Bad things happen to good people.  They happen to bad people.  They happen to everyone.  I could get shot when I go to Target to buy more diapers.  My husband’s plane could go down.  Someone with guns could force their way into Addie’s school.  I could have a heart attack.  Or a stroke.  William could climb out of his crib and fall just the wrong way on his neck.

Are these things likely? No.  But they’re possible, my life experiences have taught me that much.  Be aware, look for alternate exits, watch the way that guy reaches into his jacket and think about what I’ll do if armed assailants attack the mall while I’m there with my babies.

I like being happy and focusing on my amazing life.  Because it is amazing.  I have the dream life.  And I love to smile and give compliments to strangers on the street.  I teach my kids that bullies just haven’t been taught how to be kind and that their actions and friendship could teach that lesson.  I believe that in general, people are good.

But I’m still so afraid.

But I have found the best therapy I have ever had.  Yoga.  Most people who know that I have started to practice yoga think that its just a workout, or something that Lone Tree moms without jobs do.  It seems fitting that I would slide into my yoga pants and pop on my aviators and have some “me time.”

But it is so much more than that. There are countless reasons why it has become my healing hour, my centering prayer and my calming breath.  But the most important lesson I have learned in my short time practicing yoga is this: Just Be.  What will be, will be.  I have no control over the world…the people who could hurt me or my family don’t seek out the fearful victims, they just find victims.  I have no control.  Logical thought assumes the lack of control would incite more fear, not less.  But its not the fact that I cannot change anything, its the acceptance that living in fear changes nothing.

I cannot exert control over relationships that scare me by dictating what I want to happen in the future.

I cannot keep my kids from having experiences because I’m afraid of something happening to them.

I can sit back and compliment strangers and teach my kids kindness and lift my face to the sun and enjoy the warmth.  And I intend to be more intentional about trying, about silencing that whisper of fear that lives in the pit of my stomach.  And I can do it.

What will be will be.  And it will most likely be awesome.