I read an article a few days ago about a woman who doesn’t like her child.  I would cite the author but it was anonymous due to the content.

Her daughter was not what she expected.  The mom thought she would have the fat, rosy cheeked baby of the movies that laughed easily and smiled at strangers.  But that’s not what she got.  She was born small and frail and didn’t breastfeed well.  She cried and as she grew she made odd noises and didn’t move like other kids her age.

The mom looked to doctor after doctor to find out what was wrong with her daughter.  They all said she was a normal and healthy little girl.  But that wasn’t good enough, her daughter wasn’t right and the mom wanted to find a reason, any reason, why.

If she had a diagnosis of something she could explain away her child’s odd habits.  Her fears.  Her mannerisms that irritated her mother.

The little girl’s daddy got along with her just fine, beautifully even.  He spoke quietly when noise was overwhelming to her little ears and played in shadows when the light was too bright.  He celebrated her differences and played the way the little girl wanted to play.

The mother wanted the girl to play her way.  The way she imagined playing with her daughter.

When the little girl was afraid she would bypass her mom and go to her dad; he would hold her and tell her she was safe and sound, that he was there for her and that they would figure out the fear together.

The mom would just tell her to stop being afraid.  Just get over it. Just DO it.

---

I have tried to find a connection to this story, in myself.  I have waited to write this because I have been searching internally for my answer: what did I, and what do I, expect of my children?

I can honestly say that I didn’t imagine traits when I pictured my future kids.  I hoped for healthy, but we all do that.  I imagined situations; painting with my daughter like I did with my mom or helping her learn how to hold a golf club.  But the activities were always interchangeable, it didn’t matter what we were doing, I was imagining the feeling of doing something with my child.

I imagined soft skin, because both Chris and I have really soft skin.  I imagined that one of my kids would have green eyes like me.  I pictured wild curls like mine on one of them.  But I never assigned them personalities.

I just knew I would love being their mommy.

Is your child what you expected them to be?  Is your daughter funny and smart like you had dreamed or is she quiet and intuitive?  Is one a failure and one a success?

I understand what this woman was writing about, I disagree with the way she dealt with it with every cell in my body.  But I can see and sympathize with her struggle.

Her story goes on to say how she had another daughter that was everything she had wanted and imagined.  It validated her that she hadn’t done something wrong with her first born.  It wasn’t until she was sitting with her friend watching their children play when she was critical of her older daughter, again, and her friend called her out on it.

She told her that her job as a mother is to love her child for who she is.  To comfort her fears and make her feel good in her own skin. All she could see was what the girl wasn’t and never celebrated what she was.  She was supposed to be the safety zone.  And she was failing her daughter.

I agree completely.

It was a wake up call for the mom and she started to try for the first time to appreciate her child for who she was.  And it slowly made an impact on both of their lives.

This has been a very long post but I want to leave you with the most important parenting message I have, the core of what I believe every parent should be:

How you speak to your child will stay emblazened on their hearts forever.

The way you respond to their fears, their dreams, their quirks and their mannerisms sets the groundwork for how they will feel about themselves for the rest of their lives.  The next time you criticize your kid for doing something wrong ask yourself, “have I taken the time to teach him this, really teach this? Or do I just expect him to KNOW?”

The next time you yell at your child close your eyes and imagine how she sees you from her viewpoint.  Look up at yourself and imagine what she feels about you as you hover over her and scream, criticize, yell or tell her how bad she is.  Is that the way you want to be remembered?

Take a minute and think about what you are showing your child – how to behave, how to react, how accepted they are in their own parent’s hearts.

Is your child enough?  Or is it not what you expected.

---

“There’s a laundry list of things no one ever tells you when you have children. One of them is that your child will teach you how to be the parent they need — if you’re willing to listen.”

-anonymous writer after learning how to appreciate her child.

Be willing to listen.