When we lived in Illinois, on cold days I would take Addie to a mall with an awesome indoor play area.  It was always packed and a little hectic but she loved it and it gave us something to do on frigid midwestern days.  There were babies toddling around with spit bubbles bursting through their smiles and older kids zipping around them playing tag or chase or just running because that’s what you do as a kid.  It was not uncommon for a baby or toddler to get knocked down by a runner or a chaser, but it was never done on purpose and no one was ever truly hurt.  I was never far from Addie as she played, watching from the sidelines and letting her do her thing.

One day, in the chaos of the play area, I watched as a wide shouldered, very tall man rush over to his toddler who had just fallen on the cushioned floor.  She wasn’t crying and it was arguable whether she just fell over randomly or if she had been grazed by a running child.  It didn’t matter to the dad, he bore down on the kid he thought had knocked his little girl and yelled at him.  He took it upon himself to yell at someone else’s child.  I was on my feet that instant ready to tell him to back off but the little boy’s mom was there already.  She was five foot nothin’ and asking the man to step away from her child.  He started yelling at her and all of the sudden she was in the dad’s face telling him to back off her child, that he had no right to speak to him at all, let alone try to discipline him.  She tried to stay calm but he wouldn’t back down and they spat ugly words back and forth while I scanned the area for a security guard.  The dad finally picked up his kid and stormed out, anger radiating off of him in waves.  I could feel my blood pumping through my entire body, adrenaline was at top levels and I was so appalled by this father’s behavior I could barely see straight.  I know exactly what I would have said and done had he spoken to, let alone yelled at, MY child.  Mama Bear had come to the surface.

If your kid, or you, cannot handle being in a busy play area or at a park or any place where bodies may accidentally come in contact with one another, then stay away.  Someone is going to get knocked over.  Someone is going to cry.  And unless it was blatently obvious that one child hurt another on purpose, with malice, then stay on the sidelines and mind your business.  If my daughter bumped into your kid and that made you mad then you had better come talk to me about it and not utter a word to my child because I can guarantee you that I can parent my child better than you can.  You will not discipline my kid because you have no right and no idea how my children are used to being spoken to – which is with respect.  You are not in the village that raises my babies, I AM the village and you are not a resident.

If your daughter pushes my son out of the way I will first watch how he handles himself.  Most likely he will stand up and keep playing. If he is upset I will go to him, comfort him and he will stand up and keep playing.  If your daughter continues to mess with him I will pick him up and extract him from the situation, explaining why we’re doing something different as we go.  I won’t give your little girl a dirty look, I will not tell her she is a bad girl, I will not do anything but move my child from another one who is just being a kid.  Because I know that if I speak to your child and tell her that she can’t do that, or shouldn’t do that or that she is being mean, it very well may scare her and scar her and I want no part of that.  She will never look up at me with big, wide eyes brimming with tears because I chastized her for pushing my little boy because that is not my place.  I respect her childhood too much to do that.

I believe the problem exists because adults expect children to automatically know how to act.  I see this in so many situations, in many walks of life.  Some parents forget that it is their job to teach their kids how to do this life thing.  Children are not preloaded knowing how to react to everyday situations.  It is your job to teach them clearly and kindly how to respond in life. They learn from watching you.  When your toddler throws a fit and you respond by yelling at her to calm down ‘or else’, you have just taught her that yelling and threatening are the correct responses. She is going to respond to you the same way.  When your child talks back to you and you spank him you have just taught him that violence is the answer.  When he gets frustrated with a friend and hits her, he learned that from you.

When your son gets knocked over at the play area and you rush to his rescue and yell at another child, or his parent, you have just taught your child that he can’t take care of himself and aggression is an appropriate and acceptable response.

When your child is upset and you take the time to understand the situation, talk it through with her and then find a solution, you have just been a parent.  A good one.  A parent who is sending someone out into the world who will not react to hard situations with screaming, anger and violence.  When your kid is throwing a fit and you hug him until he calms down and then explain that when he throws a fit he never gets what he wants, but when he is calm he is more likely to have things go his way then you have just done your job.  You addressed the issue and gave him instructions on how to act properly next time.  Boom, parenting.

If my child is at the park and does something that hurts another child or his feelings, you do not need to jump in and teach my kid a lesson.  I will be there to take care of it myself, because that’s my job.  To protect my children, to watch them, to help them learn the important lessons in life by teaching them.  

While I appreciate you wanting to impart the lessons you feel they need to learn, my kids are in good hands, attentive hands, and their eyes will never well with tears because someone who shouldn’t be is disciplining them.  So please, don’t talk to my kids.  Unless you are telling them how awesome they are or complimenting their kind hearts, just focus on you and yours. I’ll do the same and we can all send incredible, thoughtful people out into the world someday.

Hello wonderful people!  When you read the post “You Are What You Eat” that was delivered to your email please disregard the last paragraph.  The final sentence should be the invitation to come over for some creme brûlée…someone failed to notice the undeleted paragraph before publishing the post.  Someone didn’t make sure everything was ship shape before sending her words out to be read.  Sorry ’bout that.  I’ll do a better job next time.

I can’t eat ice cream.

Or cheesecake.  Or creamy soups, creme brûlée, whipped cream or anything else involving heavy cream.  When it comes up in a conversation, usually surrounding everyone else around me eating something creamy, someone inevitably says, “Well, no wonder why you’re so thin!”

As if an intolerance to cream is the secret key the diet industry has been hiding.

I am a healthy eater.

I am a whole grain eating, preservative avoiding, fresh fruit loving person.  I am not on a diet, I don’t believe in cutting any food groups from what I eat and never, ever go too long without eating something.  If I want chocolate I eat it, if I want a burger I make one. I do yoga, ab and leg work with weights after I put the kids to bed, use our elliptical machine and walk rather than drive whenever I can.  My kids know why they eat protein, carbohydrates and that sugar is something they should eat in moderation.  We exercise and move and get fresh air every single day.

Do you feel irritated after reading that?

When did it become bothersome to be healthy?

I have learned over the years to keep my mouth shut about nutrition and exercise unless someone asks me outright for an answer to a question or for my opinion.  People do not want to hear about someone else’s healthy life decisions.  I get made fun of on a regular basis for the way that I eat – and it is very clear when its good natured ribbing and when the teasing has a sharp, defensive edge.  It’s fine if people know that I am a consciously healthy eater or that I do various forms of exercise but it is not acceptable for me to talk about my dedication to either one.

I learned about proper nutrition because I had to.  I needed to learn how my body processes food and what it needs so I could heal from an eating disorder.  I get a pass, it seems, to be healthy and make the decisions I do because I used to stick my finger down my throat and throw up everything that I ate.  It was not an attempt to be thin, it was an emotional reaction to witnessing a horrible tragedy that led me to bulemia, but it was bulemia none the less and I had to recover or end up killing myself with the disease.

So I learned about nutrition, digestion, food as fuel and the healthiest way to heal my body from what turned out to be a rather violent disease.  The more I learned, the easier it became to change from a skinny, fearful kid into a strong and healthy woman.  But before people know anything about my past all they see is a thin woman passing on the treats and snacks and choosing walnuts and greek yogurt.  And they make assumptions.  They see someone who never drinks soda and orders non-fat lattes and translate that into a dieting, calorie counting, weight obsessed woman doing everything I can to stay in my 27″ jeans.  Yes, I usually know the number of calories in certain foods, but I also know about the fiber and protein content as well as if it has refined carbs or whole grains, the amount “good” as well as “bad” fat and how many ingredients were required to make it.  I have no idea how many calories I eat in a day but I know that by the time I go to sleep I fed my body a balanced diet that will allow me to wake up the next morning with energy, a healthy heart and strong muscles to carry me through the day.

I have gotten my fair share of eye-rolls when I don’t reach for the pie at get togethers.  I know what the raised eyebrow means when I order lean protein and vegetables for dinner at a restaurant.  But it doesn’t matter.  I know why I eat the way I do and I don’t need anyone’s approval to do so.

Let’s stop with the body shaming.  Whether someone is bigger than you think they should be or thinner than you’d like them to be, let’s just knock it off.  Every time a child hears their parent or aunt or granparent criticizing themselves or someone else for how they look it makes an indelible mark.  Every single time they see their mother skip a meal they notice and remember that being thin is important enough to her that she will starve herself.  And when a kid hears other people laughing at someone who is overweight it is seared into them that it is okay to be cruel.  Or that at five, seven or ten years old they need to go on a diet.

Stop making snarky comments about people who post photos of themselves in yoga positions, stop sneering at the woman who wants a fresh, crisp salad instead of a burger, or the woman who wants a big, juicy burger instead of a salad.  You’re just seeing the cover of the book, not the story inside, and you know what they say about books and their covers.

So let me eat what I wanna eat without wondering which cleanse I must be on.  Let me feed my kids what I know is best for their bodies as well as their childhood memories.  Keep your eyes on the prize, and on your own plate, and let’s just let each other live a little bit.

And come on over for some dessert, I make a ridiculously good creme brûlée….but I can’t eat it so you can have it all.

It was a warm thursday morning and I waltzed into my yoga studio ready to rock.  I stopped at the counter to admire the pretty beads hanging on display.

“Overgard! What’s up?”  sang Bird, my very favorite yoga instructor from behind the counter.

“I’m just checking out these beads, they’re so beautiful.”  They were Mala beads, I learned in the next moment, and Bird has trained with a woman from Nepal how to tie Mala beads the traditional way.  Ah, okay, cool, I didn’t know there was a special way to tie pretty beads, but awesome.

I placed an order with Bird to make me my own Mala necklace – white quartz for balance and nourishment with rainbow thread and a green tassel, because they’re pretty.  Later that night I looked up Mala beads and what I learned caused a curve to appear in my life path that I very willingly followed.  Mala beads are Hindu and Buddist prayer beads, traditionally strung with 108 beads per necklace and meant to slide between fingers to keep track of prayers, chants or mantras in one’s practice.  When worn they serve as a reminder of the mantra, to carry it through daily life.  And it hit me like a lightning bolt.

Without thinking my first notion of my mantra was peace.  It always is – in my marriage, in parenting, in my dealings with family, friends and strangers – I always try to maintain inward and outward peace.  But I have that under control, I’m peaceful.  My next thought was ego.  I want to lose all traces of ego.

Draining one’s life of ego is really, stinkin’ hard.  I mean seriously.  Until I made it my intention to let go of all things egotistical I hadn’t thought about how multifaceted EGO truly is.  It’s not just big headed self love that we often think of – we can tie in confidence, self-awareness, self-obsession, pride, physical awareness, on and on.  Its easy to grasp my beads and repeat “drain my life of ego” 108 times but finding the actual line of what that means, defining it and then erasing it is a whole new challenge.

How in the world am I going to achieve this?  My chosen occupation in itself is rooted in self-promotion, exhibition and pride in my work.  How else does an artist sell art?

I am very aware of my body and appearance and don’t plan on abandoning either; I will continue to eat well and stay fit, I will continue to pat eye cream and serums on my face at night.  How can I care about how I look and claim that I am draining my life of ego?

I am an awesome mother.  Not average, not acceptable.  The thing I am most proud of about myself is that I am the very best mother my kids could ever have.  That is not an awarenesss I want to lose sight of.  I will continue to be proud of Chris’ and my parenting skills.  Can pride be separated from egotism? I’m a pretty great wife, I’m a good daughter to my parents, I try to be the best sister I can be and although maintaining friendships can be a challenge for me I try to do my best there too.

None of these things make a negative impact on my life, why am I actively trying to change any of them? And it hit me, its not EGO that I desire to drain completely from my life, it’s judgment.

Judgment of others and how they dress, parent, fill their social media accounts, speak to their partner and speak to strangers.  How and when they respond to my emails, texts, invitations and messages. What they eat and drink and how often they get drunk, how often or if they work out or how many people they have slept with, how they speak to children and react to crying babies on airplanes, their vocabulary and etiquette or where they stand on abortion or religion or whether or not they believe in equal rights.

I want to drain my awareness of people’s judgement of me.  What anyone else thinks of how I dress, how I act, parent my children, converse, of how often I do yoga or the fact that I do yoga, what I eat and what I choose to feed my family, where I stand on gun control, gay marriage, people who spank their kids or FDA guidelines – nothing they think is going to change what I believe and the way I get things done.

My judgment of others will never change their lives either.

So I choose to drain my life of judgment, mine and yours.  I willingly choose acceptance and understanding and will teach both to my children every chance I get.  There is always a story behind someone’s actions and beliefs, there is usually a reason why the bully is a bully.  There is most likely pain behind someone’s catty comments and fear behind their intolerance.  The majority of the time the way someone chooses to live their life will never affect how I choose to live mine unless I actively pursue judging them for their decisions. And I just don’t want to do that.

I choose to loosen my grip on all of it and open my hands in an attempt to understand what lies beneath and the reason people tick the way they do.  I cannot make you stop judging me, but I can let it slide right off my back and out of my life.  I can still extend kindness even when I don’t receive it in return.

So continue to do your thing, and I’ll do mine, and I will encourage my kids to wear safari hats on adventure walks and dream about magic and tell them that unicorns and fairies may very well exist as far as I know.  I will show them that everyone has their own path and a right to dance along that path however they choose.

And if you or your kid ever meet me or mine, come hang out, I’ll be the one with one hand on my necklace and a smile on my face. I guarantee you’ll feel right at home.  We accept you just the way you are.