When we lived in Illinois, on cold days I would take Addie to a mall with an awesome indoor play area.  It was always packed and a little hectic but she loved it and it gave us something to do on frigid midwestern days.  There were babies toddling around with spit bubbles bursting through their smiles and older kids zipping around them playing tag or chase or just running because that’s what you do as a kid.  It was not uncommon for a baby or toddler to get knocked down by a runner or a chaser, but it was never done on purpose and no one was ever truly hurt.  I was never far from Addie as she played, watching from the sidelines and letting her do her thing.

One day, in the chaos of the play area, I watched as a wide shouldered, very tall man rush over to his toddler who had just fallen on the cushioned floor.  She wasn’t crying and it was arguable whether she just fell over randomly or if she had been grazed by a running child.  It didn’t matter to the dad, he bore down on the kid he thought had knocked his little girl and yelled at him.  He took it upon himself to yell at someone else’s child.  I was on my feet that instant ready to tell him to back off but the little boy’s mom was there already.  She was five foot nothin’ and asking the man to step away from her child.  He started yelling at her and all of the sudden she was in the dad’s face telling him to back off her child, that he had no right to speak to him at all, let alone try to discipline him.  She tried to stay calm but he wouldn’t back down and they spat ugly words back and forth while I scanned the area for a security guard.  The dad finally picked up his kid and stormed out, anger radiating off of him in waves.  I could feel my blood pumping through my entire body, adrenaline was at top levels and I was so appalled by this father’s behavior I could barely see straight.  I know exactly what I would have said and done had he spoken to, let alone yelled at, MY child.  Mama Bear had come to the surface.

If your kid, or you, cannot handle being in a busy play area or at a park or any place where bodies may accidentally come in contact with one another, then stay away.  Someone is going to get knocked over.  Someone is going to cry.  And unless it was blatently obvious that one child hurt another on purpose, with malice, then stay on the sidelines and mind your business.  If my daughter bumped into your kid and that made you mad then you had better come talk to me about it and not utter a word to my child because I can guarantee you that I can parent my child better than you can.  You will not discipline my kid because you have no right and no idea how my children are used to being spoken to – which is with respect.  You are not in the village that raises my babies, I AM the village and you are not a resident.

If your daughter pushes my son out of the way I will first watch how he handles himself.  Most likely he will stand up and keep playing. If he is upset I will go to him, comfort him and he will stand up and keep playing.  If your daughter continues to mess with him I will pick him up and extract him from the situation, explaining why we’re doing something different as we go.  I won’t give your little girl a dirty look, I will not tell her she is a bad girl, I will not do anything but move my child from another one who is just being a kid.  Because I know that if I speak to your child and tell her that she can’t do that, or shouldn’t do that or that she is being mean, it very well may scare her and scar her and I want no part of that.  She will never look up at me with big, wide eyes brimming with tears because I chastized her for pushing my little boy because that is not my place.  I respect her childhood too much to do that.

I believe the problem exists because adults expect children to automatically know how to act.  I see this in so many situations, in many walks of life.  Some parents forget that it is their job to teach their kids how to do this life thing.  Children are not preloaded knowing how to react to everyday situations.  It is your job to teach them clearly and kindly how to respond in life. They learn from watching you.  When your toddler throws a fit and you respond by yelling at her to calm down ‘or else’, you have just taught her that yelling and threatening are the correct responses. She is going to respond to you the same way.  When your child talks back to you and you spank him you have just taught him that violence is the answer.  When he gets frustrated with a friend and hits her, he learned that from you.

When your son gets knocked over at the play area and you rush to his rescue and yell at another child, or his parent, you have just taught your child that he can’t take care of himself and aggression is an appropriate and acceptable response.

When your child is upset and you take the time to understand the situation, talk it through with her and then find a solution, you have just been a parent.  A good one.  A parent who is sending someone out into the world who will not react to hard situations with screaming, anger and violence.  When your kid is throwing a fit and you hug him until he calms down and then explain that when he throws a fit he never gets what he wants, but when he is calm he is more likely to have things go his way then you have just done your job.  You addressed the issue and gave him instructions on how to act properly next time.  Boom, parenting.

If my child is at the park and does something that hurts another child or his feelings, you do not need to jump in and teach my kid a lesson.  I will be there to take care of it myself, because that’s my job.  To protect my children, to watch them, to help them learn the important lessons in life by teaching them.  

While I appreciate you wanting to impart the lessons you feel they need to learn, my kids are in good hands, attentive hands, and their eyes will never well with tears because someone who shouldn’t be is disciplining them.  So please, don’t talk to my kids.  Unless you are telling them how awesome they are or complimenting their kind hearts, just focus on you and yours. I’ll do the same and we can all send incredible, thoughtful people out into the world someday.