What kind of parent gets their kid to do what they want by bribing them and threatening them?  I mean seriously, who does that?

I do.

Okay, so the word THREAT is a little dramatic; all I’m really doing is explaining the consequences of different actions.  Bribe rings true though…although I like to think of it as convincing or offering incentive! Does this mean that I am taking the easy way out? Does is mean that I am not living up to my potential as a mother?  I don’t think so at all.  Honestly, I can’t really think of a realistic alternative: what two year old would do something just because its the right thing to do?  I have yet to meet one.  It is our job as parents to set the groundwork for the understanding of what is right and wrong, what is and isn’t appropriate.  Right?

Let’s talk about threats, baby.  When I think of threats in the context of raising Addie I think of the times that she squats down in the middle of See’s candy store crying and screaming because she doesn’t want to go outside, or she refuses to eat lunch…or dinner, or breakfast for that matter.  I pick her up, or squat down on her level, and tell her in a calm and quiet voice that is she keeps throwing a fit/doesn’t eat/doesn’t stop sitting on kids smaller than her that we are going to have to go home.  Or she won’t get the chocolate milk she was looking forward to.  The threats that get her to stop whatever it is she’s doing are not mean, they’re not ever scary, they are just there to let her know that when she acts inappropriately it means that she doesn’t get to do the fun things that she wants to do.  Ninety nine times out of a hundred she stops and thinks about how badly she wants to be out shopping or how good that chocolate milk will taste and she settles down.

There is a secret: follow through.  I have had to leave Target without the things I needed because she wouldn’t stop throwing a fit.  Yes, it is irritating and not very convenient but it let’s her know that I mean business.  Eventually she started understanding that I wasn’t full of it and I would actually take her toys away and she started to listen.  The fits still happen, especially when she is hungry or tired (see this blog), but I rarely have to leave a full grocery cart anymore: she gets it before it gets to that point.  Would it be easy to take it too far and leave a child scared or emotionally hurt from a threat? Oh yes, I think it happens all the time.  One, I would never let Addie think that I was going to leave without her.  I do not want my child to think I am capable of abandoning her, ever.  Two, I never tell her I am mad at her or that she is in trouble, because I’m not and she’s not.  It is more important to get the lesson across without it being confused with fear of making me angry or that she is disappointing me.  I want her to be confident and I never want her to second guess herself because she’s afraid of someone else’s reaction.  And three, I am never, ever rough with her. I assume this goes without saying but the last thing I want is to have my child be afraid of me or think that being physical is the answer to anything.  Let her cry it out when I know she is safe and physically fine? Oh yeah, she’s had to cry it out numerous times, but she does it without fear that she will be punished. Sometimes you just gotta cry.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about bribes.  And don’t worry, I don’t have a well thought out explanation of their place in the good parenting handbook.  Addie is a little spoiled: that’s what it boils down to.  She has two parents giving her attention every day, she is an only child and we can afford to get her what she wants…to a point.  Does she expect a treat after she eats? Yes.  Does she get a chocolate milk at Starbucks when I get a coffee? Uh-huh.  She loves ne-ne’s (M&M’s) and cake and lollipops and the Disney store and the dollar section at Target…on and on.  Does she always get what she wants? No,  but only when she isn’t a good listener or is in fit throwing mode.  Am I advocating this to other parents, not really.  I don’t even know if we’ll do it this way if we have another kid, but it works really well with Addie.  She is a really easy, calm and fun kid to be around and we have been really lucky that telling her she won’t get an M&M keeps her from melting down…a lot of kids aren’t that easy. Our next one may be a pain in the butt.  For now, though, it doesn’t take a whole lot to point Addie in the correct behavioral direction.  We just have to make sure the path is peppered with chocolate candy.

How do you do it? Do you feel that you need to use threats and bribes in your parenting? Let me know, I’m fascinated by other parenting techniques…especially the ones that work!

You know when you walk by a parent struggling with their toddler and the parent seems to be at wits end trying to get their child to _________ (sit in the stroller/stop crying/put the toy back on the shelf/stop whining) and the kid just cries harder?  With whom do you sympathize in this situation, the parent or the child?

I would assume most parents would feel for their fellow parent. They would watch with an understanding nod of their head and think: man, I’ve been there. But not me, I watch the kid who is inevitably melting into hysterics on the ground.  Alright, every so often I feel for the parent too, but in very specific situations.  Let me explain.

I usually try to stay off my soap box and only speak from my own experiences in parenting.  Feeling judged is an awful, and guaranteed, part of parenting and I do not want to be the one giving some poor mom or dad the evil “your doing it wrong” eye.  But there is one thing I see parents doing all the time that I just can’t shut up about.  It is just not fair to the kids.

Please do not expect your child to react to life like a mature adult.  Or even an immature adult. It’s not fair.

What is she talking about? Am I right, is this what you’re thinking?  I see this all the time – parents getting mad at their children because they are crying in public, or squirming in the baby seat of the grocery cart.  Oh, it makes me so sad.  Why? Because those little ones are just starting to figure out how to act like a kid, they’re just starting to understand their place in the world.  And the world is a pretty confusing place when you’re two and a half feet tall.

I’m getting judgey and soap-boxy, I know.  But there are so many parents out there who have completely forgotten what its like to be a kid, or lack the imagination to think about the frustrations of being a toddler.  At the end of your rope because you’re trying to check out at Target but your two year old is flipping out?  Well, its lunch time. Your kid is hungry.  Well, when I’m hungry I don’t throw a fit! You may not sob uncontrollably when you feel hunger pangs but you have had YEARS to learn to control those urges.  Your child is brand spankin new and hasn’t learned how to appropriately express their discomfort.  Instead of yelling at him/her because she is crying again, why not express understanding that s/he is hungry and let them know that getting food in that belly is your top priority?  I have seen this countless times in public – what is that poor kid learning when his mom just gets mad at him when he is hungry?

When we took Addie to Disneyland for her second birthday the Happiest Place on Earth was teeming with screaming toddlers in strollers being pushed by pissed off parents.  Very vocal pissed off parents.  I am not making assumptions when I say that it is not reasonable to expect a three year old to spend hours in the heat of Florida – with or without crowds, long lines and jarring rides – without stopping for a nap and down time.  We paid a lot of money to come here and we’re not wasting any time on a nap/snack! is not an acceptable expectation.

Children need rest. And food. And breaks from excitement.  They need time to process what is going on around them before they make a decision about how to react and even then it may not be the correct reaction.  They need to learn about emotions and the proper way to express how they feel.  Children are works in progress, they are in training to be a part of society and it is YOUR job as a parent to be their teacher and guide.  We are not built to instinctively understand that hunger does not equal anger.  We have to learn the difference.  Even if yours is not a lovey-dovey, hand holding family, it is still your duty to patiently lead your child into understanding how the world works – not to yell at them until the message gets through.

Is this my opinion? Yes.  It is my opinion that adults should alter their expectations of their children’s social development.  Can you get upset with me if I throw a fit because I don’t want to sit in my chair for long periods of time? Sure, if that’s the way you roll, go ahead and get mad.  I’m an adult and I should know better. But when it comes to a child please stop, think about what could be so upsetting and imagine how YOU would feel in the same situation.  Then act accordingly while remembering that your reaction is making an indelible impression on that malleable mind.

I hope that the next time I am in line at the grocery store I see a mom leaning down to her crying child’s level and asking what’s wrong rather than telling the little one to quiet down or else.  I hope that the child knows that he can tell his mommy that he is tired and that she’ll listen and take him home so he can rest.  I hope that parent is you.

I promise to leave my soap box in the closet next time.

If you could travel back to the pivotal experiences in your life and change your actions/decisions, would you?

In one sense, I would do it in a heartbeat.  If I could take who I am today and have a do-over of high school and college I think it would make an enormous difference in my relationships, experiences and possibly even my life’s path.  I want to tell the Katie from my past that being seen as attractive and desirable is overrated, that being comfortable in her own skin is the most attractive thing of all.  I’d let her know that if she spoke up and let her voice be heard that the people who REALLY mattered would listen.  I’d tell her that she was not an expert…on anything, although she thought she was…on everything.  I’d tell her to cut negative people out of her life, that loyalty doesn’t mean anything when those people are saying horrible things behind her back.  She’d know that she could stand up and stop the nasty, untrue rumors rather than feeling pummeled by them day after day.  I’d make sure she knew that confidence and feeling self assured would become the cornerstone of her life.

I would go back and replace my overreactive flair for the dramatic and replace it with my current sense of calm and desire for reason.

Back then I did nothing with my knack for art and creativity and did my best to follow the Abercrombie wearing pack.  I’d, uh, do something about that.  Maybe double major in writing and fine arts. I’d for sure let myself be the wacky ball of quirkiness I am today.

I would tell that young Katie that she was fantastic. Body, mind and soul. And that she shouldn’t let anyone convince her otherwise.

But, I can’t go back in time. I drive a Lexus and the doors open outward, not upward and it has navigation, not a flux capacitor.  And all of those mistakes, missteps and lapses of confidence have made me who I am today.  Some of those decisions that I look back on and cringe with shame were stepping stones to my life today…a life that I adore.  The way I see it, the next best thing to time travel is my role as a parent.  I can take all those lessons that I learned and teach them to my daughter.  I hope that as she starts to pave her path through life that her stepping stones are those of confidence and assuredness. I want her to be proud of the books she reads, the sports she plays and the person she is – and will be.  I know that she will encounter her own brand of not so friendly friends and the temptation to be like everyone else.  Its possible that having a crazy artist mom will turn her into a type-A, organizational, left-brained opposite of me.  And that’s okay…as long as she owns it and loves who she is.

She can express herself however she needs to – grunge, goth, preppy, quirky, nerdy, sporty – I don’t care. But I’m never letting her out of the house in some of those outfits I used to wear!  And she’s not dating till she’s 30.

Other than that, the world is her oyster.

Last week I attended a get together for moms and their kids at a local park. It was fun, a big success with all kinds of moms (some dads) and kids of all ages.  While Addie played in the sandbox with friends I overheard a group of new moms who had just discovered that their sons were all about the same age.  I admit it, I’m a bit of a creeper and I listened in on their conversation.  And then, of course, I was irritated and wished that I had been smart enough to mind my own business.  Why? The Royal We.

Do you know what that is? Well, historically Royals use(d) the pronoun “We” rather than “I” with the mentality that they were bigger than the individual and represented the entire Royal Family.  So when the Queen really liked the new gown that had just been presented to her the response would be “We approve of this beautiful gown” not, “Wow, I like this gown a lot!”

On from the historical grammar lesson.  That day in the park was not my first run in with The Royal We… maybe its more appropriate to call it “The Mommy We.”  Here’s what went down:

Johnny’s Mommy was holding his hands while he took tentative steps on the squishy safety ground of the play area.  Sam’s mom was doing the same. When Johnny’s mom let go of his hands he kept walking.

“Oh! Look at him go! How old is your son?” Sam’s mom exclaimed.

“He’ll be thirteen months next week. Yours?” Johnny’s mom responded kindly.

“Well, we turned one last month but we’re not walking yet. We’ve been trying but its just not happening, so we’re just crawling.  But I’m sure we’ll do it soon!” Sam’s mom enthusiastically replied.

I won’t waste your time with more dialogue, here is the long and the short of it: according to Sam’s mom she doesn’t know how to walk, she is having a hard time eating with a spoon and, in my opinion, needs to see a gastroenterologist because she was very concerned about the timing and consistency of her poops.

UNLESS she was not, in fact, talking about herself but describing her son’s developmental milestones and mistakingly used the wrong pronoun in her descriptions.

Yes, I am a smartass when it comes to this topic.  Yes, I am being a little judgmental.  But I’m not going to lie and say that this “Mommy We” is not ridiculous. It is.  I understand that as parents we are so involved and invested in our children’s successes and hiccups that it feels like everything is happening to mom and child.  But most things are not, in most instances it is only the child who is learning to walk, or won’t eat pureed squash.  I can admit that there are exceptions: ‘We are going through the potty training process’ is a legitimate statement.  ‘We pooped on the potty today’ is weird. Because if it is true then there is a much bigger issue at hand than misused pronouns and it’s time to work on the ol’ informational filter.

Okay. I’ll leave you to ponder the implications of the “Mommy We.”  It’s Addie’s naptime and we need to sleep.

New moms are supposed to have a hard time losing their baby weight.  They are expected to let the weight settle into their once taught abs, watch their previously toned thighs grow to motherly softness and then cover everything up with unflattering “mom-jeans”.

Does this happen? Yes. Is it universal? No. Why does it make people so uncomfortable when a woman gives birth to a child and then loses the baby weight easily and regains her pre-baby figure? If the offended group was only made up of post-birth moms having a hard time with their bodies it would be easy to figure out why they were upset.  The thing is, women’s post-baby bodies are mass media fodder! Why? I understand that celebrities are subject to public scrutiny and their bodies are put under a tabloid microscope at all times, but this is getting ridiculous.

Bethenny Frankel is a reality TV personality known for her role on Real Housewives of New York.  She recently had a baby.  Three weeks after having a c-section she posed on the cover of US Weekly in a bathing suit.  What was the result? Media Outrage. She was branded as providing unreal expectations for new mothers that they should be able to replicate her results. The editor of FitPregnancy (a great magazine, by the way) issued the statement:

“I’m concerned if she’s taking care of herself, getting enough rest and enough food, and not obsessing about losing the weight so quickly.

I worry about the message that sends to the rest of us out here, who aren’t invested in that ‘skinny girl’ persona and don’t have trainers.”

I understand her point, but c’mon, women have different bodies. We gain and lose weight in ALL kinds of ways.  Bethenny Frankel may not be my first choice as role model to young girls in most life decisions but the women seems to know her nutrition.  She is a natural food chef! She writes books on healthy eating, and I gotta tell ya, her books may be based around her “skinnyGirl” persona, but she doesn’t promote starving or under-eating.  Here is her reaction to the backlash over her magazine cover:

“I gained 35 pounds during my pregnancy, and probably would have gained five more if Bryn wasn’t born five weeks early. The truth is, I was really healthy! I indulged, but in moderation. I was even eating red velvet cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. They say you should eat 300 more calories a day when you’re pregnant. I don’t count calories, but I’d say I was eating 400 more than I usually did per day.

My books about being naturally skinny have sold hundreds of thousands of copies. The bottom line is, it’s not so unrealistic to stay healthy while you’re expecting. You don’t have to gain 75 pounds unless you really decide, ‘I’m going to Taco Bell every day’ — and then you’ll have a lot more work to do later. I lost about 25 pounds in the hospital, just from the baby and all the baby stuff. Plus, I had a C-section, so I was in the hospital for six days, and you can’t really eat for three of those. But once I left the hospital, I still had about ten more pounds to go. I still am maybe five or six pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant, but it will fall off when it wants to.

In terms of the bathing-suit shot, I purposely didn’t wear a bikini in the photo. I thought it would be cheesy, so I wore a one-piece. I think I look like a mom; I don’t think I look scary-skinny. I think it’s good for a woman to know she can stay healthy during and after pregnancy. While I was pregnant, I did light walks and light yoga — I didn’t do anything crazy. It was all balanced!”

I agree with her.  I may not have an inside view into her life but from the evidence presented my ruling is that the public should back off.  She looks healthy, I have seen numerous other celebrities who took their weight loss/thinness to visibly unhealthy limits and were praised for their discipline.  What’s a mother to do?

Here’s what I think new mothers should say if someone should comment on your post-baby body: Lay off. It’s none of your business.

Mothers’ decisions are judged constantly – do we really need to have our weight loss/gain monitored as well? Here’s the easy answer: No. We don’t. It’s hard enough to determine how we feel about ourselves after such a huge life change without the added confusion of what everyone else sees us and our bodies.

So rock that bathing suit if you want to! I think you look great.

Addie sleeps for a solid two hours every day. We plan our schedules around her naps and I feel that we have figured out our days so they work for us.  When Addie is awake Chris and I both work to make her feel that she is always part of the conversation…we never just leave her to fend for herself, it’s always the three of us doing things together.  Because we are a team of three and not two parents against one kid, she is developing into a very cool little person with a great vocabulary and understanding of what behavior is acceptable and when.

But I digress, the point is, because we are always together during the “awake” hours the two nap time hours taunt me with all of the THINGS I need to get done.  But I’m tired. I need a little downtime too but find myself being pulled by the couch cushion with the imprint of my butt, my website, this blog, my sewing machine and it’s numerous projects people have ordered AND various and sundry things I can clean/fix.  I can get a lot done in two undisturbed hours!

But I usually don’t.  There is a reason the couch cushion has an imprint of my derriere: because most days I let myself off the hook and I RELAX while Addie sleeps.  And you know what? I am a better mom because of it. I am a better wife because of it. I am a better PERSON because of it.  Not everyone has the luxury to hang out while their child sleeps, in reality-land there are circumstances that must be taken care of when there is time available.  But I have learned, and I challenge you to do the same – ease up on yourself a little bit.  Take five minutes and look at a fashion blog, or read a magazine.  Do something that you find relaxing.  The dirty dishes in the sink aren’t going to explode if you don’t wash them right away.  The clean clothes in the dryer can be tossed around again with a damp towel and they’ll never know the difference.

Give yourself a break. It’s called nap time for a reason, take advantage of it!

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