Confidence Mama

“You let your child watch…(gulp)…THE DISNEY CHANNEL!?”

Most parents fall into one of three camps on this topic: first, television will ruin your child, the second is that television is beneficial to you AND your child and third, why does anyone think my child’s television watching is any of their business?

This is an incredibly touchy subject with a lot of parents.  Some people are so vehemently of one opinion that they take every chance they can to lecture from their chosen soap box.  Whenever the subject has come up in a conversation I have seen equal reactions from both sides, pro-tv and no-tv.  There have been people from both camps who react with timid embarrassment when asked for their opinion.  Just as frequently I encounter parents who launch into a detailed, dramatic defense of their choice.  The point? Everyone has an opinion.  How should these opinions effect you?  Well, they shouldn’t.

Chris and I are okay with Addie watching tv.  We have many reasons why it works in our family and the benefits we see in our daughter keep us from swaying about our choice.  There have been numerous occasions when people have laid their judgement about our decision on THICK.  I have accepted the fact that everyone thinks they know best and will do what they can to prove their parenting superiority. So I politely listen to their semi-inappropriate comments and then stick to my guns.  If they are still pushy I tell them that Addie knew all her letters by 18 months with many thanks to Word World on PBS.  And then I want to tell them to mind their own business…but I usually manage to bite my tongue.

So, new parent, as you and your child approach the stage where you need to make this decision here is what I want you to remember: YOU are the parent and will do what is best for YOUR child.  Your cousin or Aunt or Mother-in-law may disagree with you but it helps to remember that their decision was made based on a different child. Not yours. Tune into your kid when he/she is watching television.  Are they interacting? Learning? Moving around? Being presented with concepts they wouldn’t learn from stacking legos? Every kid reacts differently.  Some kids turn into unresponsive lumps when they watch a show – maybe their watching should be limited!  It’s your job as mom or dad to decide what is best.

I’m not telling you to ignore the supportive cast of people in your life, just don’t let them bully you into changing your stance on important parenting decisions.  Be CONFIDENT that you are good at your (parenting) job.

I wish you good luck, fellow parent, stay strong!

I always thought I was going to be the kind of mom that didn’t care how other kids were developing compared to Addie, that their sleep or eating habits would be of no consequence to me.  I guess it is true now, to some degree.  But its been over two years and we live in VERY different circumstances that make it possible to shut down the “comparison reaction” that comes so naturally with motherhood.

But when Addison was born that instinctual reaction kicked in right away.  I told my labor story numerous times with pride and a little swagger.  As time progressed and people started asking questions about Addie’s schedule I found myself telling people what they wanted to hear.  If they asked if she was a bottle or breast baby I would tell them we were breastfeeding her and that she was great. In reality it took about three and a half weeks for her to get the hang of it and I was in serious, tear-inducing pain.  Is she a good sleeper? Wonderful, she loves to sleep. She’s the perfect baby. But if they could peer through our windows they would see that she was only a good sleeper those first few weeks because we never put her down. She took naps in our arms and slept on our chests at night.  The people that knew about our sleeping arrangements didn’t think it was a good idea but Addie was born three weeks early and TEENY-TINY.  She was the smallest thing either of us had ever seen, let alone been responsible for, and we wanted her in our grasps to keep her safe and feel her sweaty little head against our skin.  We eventually moved her to the pack & play next to our bed but if she made any peep at all I pulled her up next to me and we cuddled the night away.

Long story short, she didn’t know how to self-sooth until she was about 8 months old when we finally broke down and bought Ferber’s sleep book.  It worked, but at two years and three months old Addie is still waking up once a night to say hello to Mama. And every day I tell myself that I am  going to change it and teach her that she needs to sleep all the way through the night. But there is always a reason not to, always a voice in the back of my head that she’ll get there naturally.  And it’s not just sleep, Addie hated eating until she was 16 months old.  It was a battle where Chris and I found ourselves discussing her diet with her pediatrician every visit and worried about her health because she hated eating SO much. But I wanted people to see her as the perfect little angel they wanted to hear about.

If you are a new mother or will be one soon here is what I want you to remember:

No child is normal.  We always hear the stories that ‘Charlie is a great eater’ or ‘Suzette sleeps 12 hours every night’.  I’m not saying those parents are always lying, but they may be! Every time I have had an honest conversation with another parent I hear the same stories about sleep issues, picky eaters and kids who refuse to talk or crawl or smile.  Every child develops at their own pace.  Let them.  It makes life a LOT easier for you and a lot healthier for your child if you keep track of his or her development alone and not on a timeline from a book or from other kids.  Listen to your gut if you think something is up and always check in with your doctor, but if Little Johnny next door is younger than your child but already knows how to crawl and yours is struggling with getting off her little belly – let her be.  She’ll get there when she’s ready.

People will always ask questions to which they don’t deserve the answers. We are all nosy.  And there is an automatic bonding zone if you are with another new mom and have nothing else to talk about – of course you’re going to talk about your babies! But keep your head on straight, no matter what stage of development your baby has achieved, that little person is incredible.  Let everyone see that you think your child is perfect no matter what and they won’t care that she refuses to open her mouth for a spoon.

The “Normal Baby” is a myth.  But the perfect baby? Why, that baby is YOURS.

What do you think about the following scenario? (It’s a story with made up names so don’t read into it too much!)

Emily and Hugh have reached the point in their lives where they feel ready for the next step…something more. They have decided they want a baby. So, they start trying and easily enough, Emily finds she is pregnant. They are thrilled and take all the necessary steps to ensure a safe and healthy pregnancy.  They get sonograms and she takes vitamins, they shop for nursery furniture and decide on a paint color for their baby’s new room.  Clothes are purchased, showers are thrown, contractions begin and water breaks. Beautiful baby is born and happily ever after commences.

Sounds like a fairy tale doesn’t it? I know that it is possible, but probable? No. More often than not the preparation stories I hear are filled with parents finding they can get pregnant easily enough but then discover they don’t have maternity insurance (Chris and Me) or getting pregnant is incredibly difficult and requires multiple procedures, or they can’t get pregnant at all.  Sometimes a mother finally gets pregnant and then her body fights the pregnancy like an unwanted transplant and she is miserable until the baby is born.  Sometimes the pregnancy sneaks up on a young woman and she finds herself so concerned with financial and relationship issues that the joys of pregnancy are quickly overshadowed.

There are innumerable variations to the story. The point is, when someone finds out that you are trying to get pregnant, or that you are expecting, they almost always assume that you are living the fairy tale version.  All questions are positive and only positive, chipper answers will be accepted.  It is grating.  This isn’t a universal truth – there are people who REALLY want to know how you feel and how the preparation is coming, but the majority of people will just have the bare bones facts and will write your happy little story in their heads.

Here is a sample conversation from my pregnancy if I had answered all questions honestly:

“Oh, you’re pregnant! How exciting. Are you loving every minute of it?”

“Actually, I am terrified almost every day that something is going to go wrong. And I am  so sick all day every day that I can’t move without prescription nausea medication… except for an hour in the middle of the night when I feel okay. But thanks for asking.”

“You’re glowing! And you are really starting to show. Pregnancy really agrees with you!”

“That’s so nice! Actually, I’m not glowing, I’m sweating.  And I’m not showing yet, that’s just fat.  I’ve really been overeating n an attempt to quell the constant nausea.  And I’m just plain hungry; I ate an entire plate of ribs the other day and I don’t even usually LIKE ribs!”

“Isn’t pregnancy a GIFT!”

“Yes. It is incredible.  I am so excited for this baby to be born…but I’m also terrified that I won’t know what to do. Or that my baby will be born with an illness that I won’t be able to do anything about. I am thrilled and scared and sick and excited…thank you for asking.”

“Isn’t pregnancy one of life’s greatest mysteries!?”

“Uh…what?”

People told me that as time passed I would have a selective memory about my pregnancy: only remembering the positive, wonderful things about preparing for a new arrival. It’s true.  If I hadn’t kept a journal recording every thought and emotion of my pregnancy I would only remember the wonderful feeling of Addie kicking or how fun it was to pick out her crib.  But the selective memory, in my opinion, is the only way woman could POSSIBLY have more than one child – because the phenomenon of being a mother to a living, breathing miracle makes up for all of the hullabulloo of preparation.

So, whether you are trying to conceive, expecting, sick, happy, thrilled, terrified or overwhelmed remember that you’re not alone.  Don’t be afraid to talk about how you REALLY feel…you’ll be better off at the end of the day. I promise.

Once that awesome kid is in your arms and no longer just a dream, every difficult part of the preparation will fade to a distant memory.  And as you watch that tiny flutter of your baby’s eyelash you’ll know – it was all worth it.

Something must be in the water.  There seem to be babies EVERYWHERE lately.  My cousin just gave birth to her first child, Chris’ cousin is due with her second any moment now, and there are countless other friends who are trying/expecting/experiencing their first days at home with their little smidgens.  The baby influx has hit my immediate family as well…as few as three years ago we were a tight little family of mom, dad, three grown daughters and two boys who joined through marriage.  Then BOOM! I got pregnant. When Addie was 18 months old my older sister, Thayer, and her husband Craig adopted newborn Jackson and then BAM! my younger sister, Caroline, found out she was pregnant.  The family is no longer so little.

All this new life has inspired me to write a series of posts about the untold truths of pregnancy and parenthood.  When we are preparing for our babies, whether they arrive from our own bodies or through other avenues, there are things that just go unsaid. Important things.  Things that, when they happen, shake our confidence in ourselves as capable mothers.  If being honest about those hard topics helps just one parent it will be worth the discomfort that is inevitable when exposing such personal feelings.

I am not planning on writing from the collective viewpoint because, well, I can’t.  I can write what I have felt and experienced and can safely assume that other people have experience the same or similar – mainly because I’ve talked to a lot of other parents! So, here goes.  They will all be titled The Truth: ________ (topic) If you are interested in following them, please do. If not, I will pepper in my usual writing as I go.  If you want your own parenting truths posted, let me know.  I want this to be a conversation so we can all learn from one another!