I’ve been thinking a lot lately about parenting advice.  I don’t mean the constant stream of advice (a lot of it unsolicited) from magazines, television, books, other parents, random strangers, friends, relatives and anyone else who feels that they know the golden path to raising the perfect child – I mean MY parenting advice.

Early in my pregnancy I promised myself I would not dole out my pearls of wisdom to anyone other than those who expressly begged for them.  I’ve had a few slip-ups, but overall I think I do a pretty good job of keeping my mouth shut.  When someone does ask for my opinion or advice, I am very careful to think about the person asking, what their child is like and what I really know about what they are asking.  My usual response is to tell a story of what worked for us (Chris, Addie and me) or I preface what I say with, “well, for me…”

But as I actually get some mothering under my belt, I am finding that I want to say something useful.  I have learned some valuable lessons.  I do have some pretty useful things to say.  But what are they?  I’ve spent some serious thinking time on this and decided to write my parenting priority list: to organize my path through being a parent, bulletpoints and all.  Here you go…

NOTE: Obviously, loving your child comes first and foremost.  But let’s be honest, if you don’t put that at the top of your list then we have bigger problems than any advice I can give you.

• My numero uno, most important, only way I get through the day? STAY CALM.  Take things in stride.  I have grown into a very calm, rational person (anyone who knew me five years ago would not believe this about me) but man, it makes life SO much easier for my entire family.  I know that being ruled by emotions makes it nearly impossible to stay calm in any situation, let alone when your kid does something that makes you mad, or scared, or sad. But working on feeling calm is worth it. If something happens, I stop and think about its actual impact on my life.  Is it a big enough deal to yell at my child and make her cry?  Nope.  More often than not, she didn’t know she was doing something wrong or her little hands couldn’t hold the slippery cup of grape juice. I’m not saying I let my daughter get away with being naughty, but I let her know what’s right and wrong without the drama. I feel better, she feels better and she actually listens to the reason it is important to have a glass that fits in her hand, rather than crying hysterically on the floor.  Taking things in stride makes for a calm, confident home.  This I know for sure.
• Put myself in her shoes. Yes, in a sense I am just a punk kid with a toddler, I haven’t gone toe to toe with a sassy pre-teen or full blown teenager (unless you count my younger sister…hey Bean!) But it is my hope that as Addison grows up, I can think about what she might be feeling, what its like to be in her position, before I react or pass judgement on how she should be feeling.  Remember what it was like to be in high school and have that boy you liked completely ignore you? I do.  Years from now when Addie comes home from a day at school in tears about a boy, or a rumor or a bad grade I want to remember how I felt, how very serious it was for me so I can validate her feelings and never make her feel small and unimportant.  As far as today goes, when Addie is throwing a fit on the kitchen floor, I try really hard to think about how frustrating it must be to want to communicate but have the one person who is supposed to help you not understand what you are trying so hard to say.  I would cry on the kitchen floor too.  Growing up is really hard.  I hope Addie always feels that I am on her team, rooting her on.
• I am not omniscient. That’s right, I said it – I do NOT know everything.  I can wholeheartedly admit that I have a lot to learn.  I spend every moment of every day doing what I think is best for my child, but when it comes to your child, you are the expert.  No one knows Addie like I do…what she likes and dislikes, what scares her, what makes her sick, what makes her dance.  There are people that know A LOT about her, or that know a lot about children in general, but they will never know her like I do.  But I still have so much to learn – about her, about parenting, about being a wife AND a mother AND being true to me.  Luckily, recognizing that I don’t know everything opens me up to the possibilities of what I can learn.  And that is very exciting.