Early in our relationship Chris and I would cuddle together and talk about what we wanted our family to look like. It was so easy to believe that those plans would never change. We both wanted two kids, one boy and one girl if possible, but if not possible then whatever happened would be perfect. We talked about timing and how we didn’t want them too close in age, 3 1/2 or four years between them would be perfect. The first one would be out of diapers and bottles and could help with the second one. They wouldn’t have to go to high school or college together. They would have enough time between them to really become themselves, and not “so and so’s” sibling. I could envision how complete we would feel with all our plans realized.
But I don’t feel like that anymore. Addie just turned two and I just want to focus on her. I just got my body back to the point that I feel that its MINE and not at the mercy of anyone else. We live on a very workable schedule just the three of us. I can’t imagine traveling with a toddler and an infant. I can’t imagine traveling with two kids at all. The unbelievable love I feel for Addie is so much bigger than I ever thought I was capable of – how could I ever love another kid this much? I know the answer, I understand that a second door will open in my heart and that second baby will have it’s very own well of unending love of its very own. When I picture our future I want there to be two kids but I’m certainly not ready yet…but I don’t want to wait too long either.
When we were on vacation in Disneyworld this past week I had the (rare) opportunity to lounge by the pool. As I was soaking up the warmth I realized that I hadn’t relaxed by the water since before Addie was born. Two summers had passed since I relaxed outside! Then I started thinking about how fun it would be to take Addie to Hawaii and let her play on the beach…we’re so close to the age when she can play a little more on her own and I can close my eyes for a few minutes! She’s done with bottles, we’re working on the potty and being done with diapers, she finally likes to eat and she can tell us what she’s thinking rather than the constant guessing game of infants. Our family life is reaching this awesome equilibrium that just feels awesome…and hard won. When we decide that we’re ready to start planning on another baby…that means we’re starting all over again.
This isn’t about complaining, it’s about having my planned reality shaken up. I have no idea how I feel about this anymore! I don’t think about it on a daily basis – I’m usually too busy enjoying my time with Chris and Addie Goose. But sometimes something happens that forces me to stop and think about what our next few years will look like. Sometimes it’s a friend having their second baby, other times it’s just seeing a random baby and feeling that (currently rare) twinge of wanting to hold a newborn. And when I DO stop to think about it I just get so confused.
I know, at least I assume that when we’re ready it will just kick in and we’ll know. I imagine the day I wake up and long for the squeak of a new baby that means we should start trying. But what if that never happens? Do I go with the cerebral plan of mom, dad, two kids and a picket fence or do I (we) follow our instincts and stick with our perfect little Addie Goose? I know that there are no answers to this, that I have to wait and see what happens.
I suppose it fits with our lifestyle…we don’t know when we’ll be home and when we’ll be traveling three months from now, so why should we be able to plan years into our future!
What’s the point of this post? Just venting I guess. There are so many of you out there who have had multiple children, how did YOU know?
Parenthood is such an incredible whirlwind of love and compassion and questions. I don’t think it’s getting any easier from here!
Confidence Mama 
Chris and I have been having this conversation A LOT the past few months and last night I was telling Chris’ mom about the whole “I don’t know how I could love another kid as much as Iz” and how comfortable we are and… as much as I didnt think it possible…am I maybe an only child kinda mom?! I completely feel you on this K.O!
Caulen and Genevieve will be four years apart and though she wasn’t planned, I could not be more relieved to have the age gap. I am not a mass breeder and can pop out one kid after another. I am selfish and want my time to do my things and be able to be a kick ass mom on top of it all. I am also not the person who can handle two kids in diapers and totally depenedent on me 24/7. I would loose my mind. Caulen is so independent and so excited to help mommy with his new sister. He can brush his own teeth twice a day, totally potty trained, can dress himself and entertain himself when need be. It is however SO much fun planning and shopping for a new baby. So much has changed in baby land in four years that I do feel like I am starting all over again only this time I am not a new Mom, I am a better mom and a confident mom. 🙂
Shane and I also wondered how the heck we could love this new baby as much as we love Caulen. I mean its a LOT of friggin love you have for your kid, it’s almost heartbreaking how much you love them, but from how attached I am to Genevive already and just us being Moms that love is amplified. It’s really exciting but at the same time I think about how much I worry about caulen, and how my heart ever so slightly breaks when I think about something happening to him, that having to kids to worry about is a little nerve wrecking.
She hasn’t popped out yet but I will let you know how I am feeling about two kids, but I know there will not be a split love…it will just be doubled. 🙂
And one more thought. I wanted to be done with kids before 30 so my body had a better chance of bouncing back after baby. I had no trouble getting an even better body than before after Caulen, but we shall see how this little girl effects me. lol.
sorry for all the typos. lol
ahh man, i love hearing what you guys have to say. nothing as personal as a woman having a baby, know what i’m sayin?
Katie,
My idea is- since I know I want to have three kids- I just plunge in and don’t think too much about not having certain freedoms… I figure I am still very young so by the time they are all (collectively, since they will be so close in age) older, I will be a little more free. If I can, I will have my three kiddos in a little row (Jackson and Scarlett are 25 months apart and I’m thinking a similar time frame for the next one) and they will be close enough in age to be playmates. I figure that eventually makes life a bit easier if they can play together. Nick and I have always planned it this way, and though it is definitely crazy difficult right now, I figure I’m getting all of the diapers out of the way at one time!:) Oh, and YES you can definitely love your next child just as much as your first, but I understand thinking it’s impossible. I did too at first.
Everyone I know with kids very close in age says the same thing: “Oh I LOVE it now! But it was insane when they were all very young.” My mom thinks I’m crazy, she had my sister, me and my brother all four years apart and loved it. To each her own right?! 🙂
I feel the EXACT same way! We have a 2 1/2 year old and my husband and I have been having this convo for months! We assumed we would have more kids, but we love it the way it is and it’s “easy” and comfortable at this point and we think we’d be crazy to have another one. But I struggle with the thought, am I just being selfish? But also I feel the only reason I’d have more is because it’s the “normal” thing to do and don’t want to be judged for having “only one” child. Then I realize who cares what anyone else thinks! So finally we have decided for now we’re good. It’s not like we can’t change our mind and have more further down the road. We don’t have to plan our entire future right now. For now we’re sticking with what we have because we are happy with that for now! =)