What do you think about the following scenario? (It’s a story with made up names so don’t read into it too much!)

Emily and Hugh have reached the point in their lives where they feel ready for the next step…something more. They have decided they want a baby. So, they start trying and easily enough, Emily finds she is pregnant. They are thrilled and take all the necessary steps to ensure a safe and healthy pregnancy.  They get sonograms and she takes vitamins, they shop for nursery furniture and decide on a paint color for their baby’s new room.  Clothes are purchased, showers are thrown, contractions begin and water breaks. Beautiful baby is born and happily ever after commences.

Sounds like a fairy tale doesn’t it? I know that it is possible, but probable? No. More often than not the preparation stories I hear are filled with parents finding they can get pregnant easily enough but then discover they don’t have maternity insurance (Chris and Me) or getting pregnant is incredibly difficult and requires multiple procedures, or they can’t get pregnant at all.  Sometimes a mother finally gets pregnant and then her body fights the pregnancy like an unwanted transplant and she is miserable until the baby is born.  Sometimes the pregnancy sneaks up on a young woman and she finds herself so concerned with financial and relationship issues that the joys of pregnancy are quickly overshadowed.

There are innumerable variations to the story. The point is, when someone finds out that you are trying to get pregnant, or that you are expecting, they almost always assume that you are living the fairy tale version.  All questions are positive and only positive, chipper answers will be accepted.  It is grating.  This isn’t a universal truth – there are people who REALLY want to know how you feel and how the preparation is coming, but the majority of people will just have the bare bones facts and will write your happy little story in their heads.

Here is a sample conversation from my pregnancy if I had answered all questions honestly:

“Oh, you’re pregnant! How exciting. Are you loving every minute of it?”

“Actually, I am terrified almost every day that something is going to go wrong. And I am  so sick all day every day that I can’t move without prescription nausea medication… except for an hour in the middle of the night when I feel okay. But thanks for asking.”

“You’re glowing! And you are really starting to show. Pregnancy really agrees with you!”

“That’s so nice! Actually, I’m not glowing, I’m sweating.  And I’m not showing yet, that’s just fat.  I’ve really been overeating n an attempt to quell the constant nausea.  And I’m just plain hungry; I ate an entire plate of ribs the other day and I don’t even usually LIKE ribs!”

“Isn’t pregnancy a GIFT!”

“Yes. It is incredible.  I am so excited for this baby to be born…but I’m also terrified that I won’t know what to do. Or that my baby will be born with an illness that I won’t be able to do anything about. I am thrilled and scared and sick and excited…thank you for asking.”

“Isn’t pregnancy one of life’s greatest mysteries!?”

“Uh…what?”

People told me that as time passed I would have a selective memory about my pregnancy: only remembering the positive, wonderful things about preparing for a new arrival. It’s true.  If I hadn’t kept a journal recording every thought and emotion of my pregnancy I would only remember the wonderful feeling of Addie kicking or how fun it was to pick out her crib.  But the selective memory, in my opinion, is the only way woman could POSSIBLY have more than one child – because the phenomenon of being a mother to a living, breathing miracle makes up for all of the hullabulloo of preparation.

So, whether you are trying to conceive, expecting, sick, happy, thrilled, terrified or overwhelmed remember that you’re not alone.  Don’t be afraid to talk about how you REALLY feel…you’ll be better off at the end of the day. I promise.

Once that awesome kid is in your arms and no longer just a dream, every difficult part of the preparation will fade to a distant memory.  And as you watch that tiny flutter of your baby’s eyelash you’ll know – it was all worth it.