What kind of parent gets their kid to do what they want by bribing them and threatening them?  I mean seriously, who does that?

I do.

Okay, so the word THREAT is a little dramatic; all I’m really doing is explaining the consequences of different actions.  Bribe rings true though…although I like to think of it as convincing or offering incentive! Does this mean that I am taking the easy way out? Does is mean that I am not living up to my potential as a mother?  I don’t think so at all.  Honestly, I can’t really think of a realistic alternative: what two year old would do something just because its the right thing to do?  I have yet to meet one.  It is our job as parents to set the groundwork for the understanding of what is right and wrong, what is and isn’t appropriate.  Right?

Let’s talk about threats, baby.  When I think of threats in the context of raising Addie I think of the times that she squats down in the middle of See’s candy store crying and screaming because she doesn’t want to go outside, or she refuses to eat lunch…or dinner, or breakfast for that matter.  I pick her up, or squat down on her level, and tell her in a calm and quiet voice that is she keeps throwing a fit/doesn’t eat/doesn’t stop sitting on kids smaller than her that we are going to have to go home.  Or she won’t get the chocolate milk she was looking forward to.  The threats that get her to stop whatever it is she’s doing are not mean, they’re not ever scary, they are just there to let her know that when she acts inappropriately it means that she doesn’t get to do the fun things that she wants to do.  Ninety nine times out of a hundred she stops and thinks about how badly she wants to be out shopping or how good that chocolate milk will taste and she settles down.

There is a secret: follow through.  I have had to leave Target without the things I needed because she wouldn’t stop throwing a fit.  Yes, it is irritating and not very convenient but it let’s her know that I mean business.  Eventually she started understanding that I wasn’t full of it and I would actually take her toys away and she started to listen.  The fits still happen, especially when she is hungry or tired (see this blog), but I rarely have to leave a full grocery cart anymore: she gets it before it gets to that point.  Would it be easy to take it too far and leave a child scared or emotionally hurt from a threat? Oh yes, I think it happens all the time.  One, I would never let Addie think that I was going to leave without her.  I do not want my child to think I am capable of abandoning her, ever.  Two, I never tell her I am mad at her or that she is in trouble, because I’m not and she’s not.  It is more important to get the lesson across without it being confused with fear of making me angry or that she is disappointing me.  I want her to be confident and I never want her to second guess herself because she’s afraid of someone else’s reaction.  And three, I am never, ever rough with her. I assume this goes without saying but the last thing I want is to have my child be afraid of me or think that being physical is the answer to anything.  Let her cry it out when I know she is safe and physically fine? Oh yeah, she’s had to cry it out numerous times, but she does it without fear that she will be punished. Sometimes you just gotta cry.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about bribes.  And don’t worry, I don’t have a well thought out explanation of their place in the good parenting handbook.  Addie is a little spoiled: that’s what it boils down to.  She has two parents giving her attention every day, she is an only child and we can afford to get her what she wants…to a point.  Does she expect a treat after she eats? Yes.  Does she get a chocolate milk at Starbucks when I get a coffee? Uh-huh.  She loves ne-ne’s (M&M’s) and cake and lollipops and the Disney store and the dollar section at Target…on and on.  Does she always get what she wants? No,  but only when she isn’t a good listener or is in fit throwing mode.  Am I advocating this to other parents, not really.  I don’t even know if we’ll do it this way if we have another kid, but it works really well with Addie.  She is a really easy, calm and fun kid to be around and we have been really lucky that telling her she won’t get an M&M keeps her from melting down…a lot of kids aren’t that easy. Our next one may be a pain in the butt.  For now, though, it doesn’t take a whole lot to point Addie in the correct behavioral direction.  We just have to make sure the path is peppered with chocolate candy.

How do you do it? Do you feel that you need to use threats and bribes in your parenting? Let me know, I’m fascinated by other parenting techniques…especially the ones that work!