Confidence Mama

Addie is little. At least she seems really little when we are at home…with 6′ tall Chris and 5’7″ me, its easy to look at Addie and still see her as my baby. But when we travel to Colorado and I see my sweet little girl with one 15 month old cousin and another only 10 days old, her speech sounds more clear and mature, her ideas developed and her behavior OLD, she even seems taller.  Now I don’t mean she is these things in comparison to her cousins, but being her next to a newborn and a child who is just learning to talk and start to show signs of toddlerhood it is suddenly very obvious that my baby is anything BUT a baby. She is a full blown kid.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

When we’re at home – just the three of us – its easy to appreciate all the developments and growth for what they are. It’s easy to want to see what comes next. Once we’re done with a phase its in the past, re-lived only through pictures. But being around younger kids just reminds me of how many stages we’ve been through together and its harder to put the focus on what comes next.  Because I don’t want what is happening NOW to get lost in the ever-changing moment.

I never expected it to be so hard to see my little girl as “the big kid” in the group. And she is. She is a conversational, interactive, social, emotional PERSON.  And it kind of sucks to be reminded that ‘what comes next’ consists of her leaving her babyhood far behind.

I adore seeing Addie develop. Every day comes with a hilarious new saying or insightful thought.  Every development knocks my socks off and leaves me in awe of her capabilities. I just wish it wasn’t getting so hard to hold my sweetheart in my arms. Pretty soon she’ll be too big for them altogether. But they’ll always be open and ready for her when she wants them.

Today I take my little girl to her first official day of preschool. Chris is out of town for work so I need to buck up and put on a happy face for Addie.

It’s not that I’m unhappy; she is thrilled and LOVES preschool so much it’s easy to be thrilled for her. I just have this little bunch of nerves in my stomach that won’t leave me alone. There are just a few tears that are hiding deep behind my eyes that don’t want to come out and see the light of day. But they’re there.

And she keeps telling me she misses her daddy; that she wants him here.  Which makes me want to cry because I want him here too.  But then she runs off to watch the Cat in the Hat and is happy as can be and I’m left with a lump in my throat.

I’ll be fine, she’ll be fine, we’ll all be fine. I just can’t believe we’re here already – I hope the rest doesn’t go too fast.

I have been on so many flights in my lifetime I wouldn’t even begin to assume that I could count them all.  In all that time I don’t remember ever being afraid of flying.

I am now.

Fully, completely, hand holding while praying afraid of flying.  Its not the actual flying, I guess.  Its the potential of mishap that lurks on the edges of my consciousness.  That’s what scares me.  You know why?  It’s the little blonde girl sitting next to me in the pink car seat.  When it was just me on the plane I never gave two thoughts to the problems that we could encounter.  But with that Boo Boo sitting next to me all I can think about is her future and everything she gets to do in her life.  I think about her daddy and all the people we love.  I think and think and think and think.

Thinking is bad in those situations.  In most situations, actually.  I’m not just afraid of flying now, I don’t like cars so much.  Not ours, but the fact I can’t control what any of the other ones are doing.  And stairs.  Balconies.  Elevators.  It’s insane.  I know that part of it is the lack of safety I have felt since the shooting, feeling that no one is safe from anything (charming isn’t it?) But I think most of it is just being a parent.  I am aware of dangers that I never realized were there.  She could really hurt herself climbing out of her crib.  Yes, she could climb out and be fine, but there is a chance that she could fall the wrong way and land on her neck.

Freaking you out, am I?  Well, I’m just saying what every parent has thought at one point or another.  It’s terrifying loving someone so much and knowing that I can’t protect her from EVERYTHING.  Cause man, I love her a lot.

The shooting also taught me that what will be will be.  We can’t change it so why live life in fear? But a piece of me always will when it comes to that little girl.

So, we’ll take another flight and there will be more balconies and stairs.  Everything will probably be fine.  And I’ll still be insane.

My baby is not a baby anymore.

This morning Chris and I took Addie to her very first day of preschool.  It was a “gradual day” that allowed the kids to acclimate to the idea of preschool rather than dumping them right into a regular day.  It was awesome, Addison was awesome, her teachers were awesome.  Everything was freakin’ awesome.  But my baby is still growing up.

Before you write me off as a grasping mom who won’t loosen the apron strings let me explain how I really feel about Addie starting preschool:

1. I can’t believe that my precious little lump of a newborn walks and talks and learns and converses and is ready for her first day of school.  It really wasn’t that long ago that all she could do was turn her head, fill up a diaper, sleep on our chests and drool a little bit.  Right?
2. Yes, I am going to have five hours of free time per week.  Yes, I hear all of you other parents tell me that I will be thrilled with the time.  But I am really going to miss the Goose; she’s my friend, my little buddy.  We do everything together and I really like spending time with her.
3. I’m jealous of her teachers.  They will get to witness so many incredible ‘first’ moments.  First best friend, first time using scissors, first time she understands how to play WITH another kid rather than next to them…on and on.  I’m straight up jealous that I won’t get to see all those moments.
4. She’s going to have ridiculous amounts of fun.  She is ready for preschool and needs it.  Addie is a voracious learner and absorbs everything she is told/taught.  The kid needs to be around other kids and she will thrive in a school atmosphere.  I have no doubt.
5. I have always been excited about the upcoming stage in Addie’s development.  Whenever she reached a new stage or learned a new skill I was not only pleased but felt blessed to watch her grow up.  But preschool is the first stage that makes my stomach hurt a little bit.  It feels like the first step where she’ll grow away from me.  She’ll learn to rely on her teachers…not just me anymore.  She’ll learn that she can be away from me and still be okay.  She’ll learn she can do things on her own without calling out “Mama!” in that sweet little voice.  Its a long road until I have to say goodbye to her and let her be an adult, but I feel like we have placed our feet on that road for the first time…and its time to start taking steps.  That makes me want to shed a few tears.
6. My little girl is incredible.  I know that she is going to rock preschool and that we will all acclimate to this new stage and we will all be fine.  Some more than others, but I promise I will only cry when no one else can see the tears – especially my courageous little construction princess.

   

So….it’s been about twenty eight years since I last posted.  How do you feel about that?  I feel a little sheepish.  I don’t have any good reason, mainly that sometimes I find it hard to do stuff. That ever happen to you?  You have things you need to do but just can’t find the motivation?  Don’t lie, it happens to all of us, no need to be ashamed.

Here’s what happens in my head every other day when Addie is cuddled in her bed for naptime and I am supposed to start my workout:

I need to work out.  But I’m kinda tired.  I could skip one day, I’m so good about it every single time. Yeah, but you already have your workout clothes on, you might as well at least do part of it. Ugh, I guess I’ll do the abs section and skip legs and arms.  Good thinking.  (get through abs) Ah, damn. I might as well finish the whole workout, I’ve gotten this far.  (get to the end) Man, I’m really glad I did that.

No joke, I do that EVERY single time I work out.  You know what gets me on the floor doing whatever Tracy Anderson tells me to do?  Picturing myself in a bikini.  Or leggings and a figure hugging sweater. Gets me every time.

But its not only working out and writing that is plagued by my laziness, can you believe that!  If you follow my website at all you know that my projects used to be posted with regularity and pinache, now they are few and far between and lack the verve they once had.  I’m still doing the projects, just not putting them on my website.  How dumb is that? And I’m getting more positive feedback then ever before on my projects.  Fancy that.

As of this moment I am giving myself a giant kick in the butt.  Get movin Kate!  Write about what parenting is really like!  Paint those frames and post em on your website!  Fix that hole in the armpit of your sweater! (seriously, its getting big).

Need a boost yourself?  I don’t have any advice for you, I wish I did!  The only reason I realized I was such a schlub was my sister telling me how much she loves my blog and that I haven’t posted in a long time.  Cue me feeling sheepish.

I’m back.  Get ready to have your inboxes flooded with my musings and inconsequential commentary. Let’s get this show on the road.

When you were a kid did you ever watch a Disney movie and think, ‘Man, this is so inappropriate and violent! I shouldn’t be watching this.’

I didn’t either.  But Addison is in love with all things Disney and Pixar.  Our DVD drawer has slowly mutated from Thomas Crowne Affair and Rounders to Snow White and Monsters, Inc.  I’m not gonna lie, I was pumped when she showed an interest in all the movies I loved in my childhood.  I thought of all the great music from Cinderella, Little Mermaid (and every other animated Disney feature known to man) and how I still know every word.  How could those not be good movies for my daughter to watch?

Well, here is my opinion after watching them all, numerous times, with my own child:  I can’t believe I let my sweet little girl watch these movies.  Snow White’s stepmother wants the huntsman to kill the poor girl and bring her heart back in a box, Sleeping Beauty is supposed to die by poisoning, Simba watches as his father is brutally murdered and then a hit is put out on him and Aladdin faces death by torture and swords all day every day.  The Little Mermaid is a promiscuous little thing that is encouraged by the sea witch that she doesn’t need a voice or opinions because all she needs is her body to land a man.  And on top of that her father marries her off to a man neither of them really know when she is sixteen, 16! And have you ever seen the animation of Ursula’s body in that movie? Boobs bouncin’ everywhere, I tell ya.

It is my most sincere hope that Addie remembers the high points about these movies and not the death, violence and sex.  She already knows all the songs (you should hear her sing a score from the Little Mermaid, its awesome) let’s hope she doesn’t follow in any of the Princesses’ footsteps.

Chris and I have come to the conclusion that theme parks are bad for relationships. Not ours; don’t worry, we are solid as ever.  We have taken Addie to three major theme parks in the past week: Disneyland, California Adventure and Seaworld, and have encountered our fair share of unhappy couples.

As they bicker and snap at each other Chris and I catch each others eye and silently comment.  I understand, a day at a park with one (or numerous) kids can be stressful. But man, these people seem like they barely like each other! They snap and snarl with unveiled irritation, and sometimes worse, while their kids stand at their feet and watch, waiting for their next instructions.

I try to excuse myself from the proximity of the nastiness hoping that it won’t rub off on us.   I never know if I should feel sorry for the kids because they are stuck in a family where their mom and dad don’t get along or for the parents because they are so stressed out that they can’t even be nice to each other.  In the end its none of my business, I know.

Who knew that there would be so much snarkiness in the center of the happiest place on earth?

I used to love sitting in the sun.  I could lounge by the pool without really needing to get in the pool for more than a quick cool off then return to my nice, warm chair where the sun would turn me a lovely shade of bronze.

In the last three years I have had five total opportunities to sit by the pool – two of those included a one year old Addie napping in the shade next to me and one was on the deck of our apartment building overlooking the BNSF rail line, not a cool blue pool.  In short, my tanning days are over until my child(ren) are old enough to play in the pool without constant supervision.

But today; today was special.  We belong to Lifetime Fitness because they have an incredible pool.  Its perfect for Addie and we have frequented its cool relief this summer.  We sit in the zero depth section and play with her bucket, shovel, watering can and princesses.  We buckle a ladybug floatie around her torso and paddle in the lazy river.  We float and climb the stairs (over and over again) by the island.  We have a lot of fun together.

Why was today special? Addie surprised me and broke our routine: she wanted to spend some time in the playroom before swimming.  That meant she would get to play with other kids in a supervised and safe setting and I…I would get to sit in the sun.  Alone.  For as long as Addie would play happily.

Oh sweet summer relief!  I was beside myself with anticipation of the relaxation and sun baked bliss I would be experiencing.  I found a chair, set up my towel, peeled off my cover up and stretched out to absorb the warmth and…

I was bored.  I tried closing my eyes.  I tried sitting up straighter.  I checked the time.  Five minutes.  My mom called, we chatted.  I checked the time. Ten minutes.  I was hot and kinda uncomfortable.  And the water looked so cool and refreshing.  And those kids were having so much fun!

I promised myself I would only leave her in the play area for half and hour, no matter how incredible my poolside nap felt but I was heading toward the playroom after 20 minutes.  Addie was at the door looking for me, her little pigtails bouncing as she peeked through the glass.  When she saw me she was quick to tell me that the other kids wouldn’t let her type and wanted to show me the offenders.  I just wanted to have my buddy play in the pool with me.  So we checked her out, slathered her in sunscreen and gathered our toys.

I know motherhood would change me, but I really thought the super-tanner was eternal.  Let’s have a moment of silence as we remember the tranquility of WANTING to sit beside the pool rather than get in and play.   Times up. Let’s go play in the fountain.

When I was pregnant with Addison I was content to let my body do what it needed to do to keep my baby healthy.  If I ate too much at dinner it didn’t bother me because my tummy couldn’t be contained regardless of what I ate!  I was focused on the little body moving inside of me rather than the way my body looked to others.  The only time I wanted my pre-baby body back was so I could crack my aching back or sleep on my stomach again…oh man did I want to sleep on my stomach again.

As soon as Addie was born I wanted my body back.  It wasn’t my first priority; dealing with learning how to nurse, getting to know my little girl as well as navigating a slew of new emotions took all my time.  But as things started to level out I wanted to feel like me again.  I didn’t know if I could have my pre-baby body back but I was willing to work for the best body I could get.  Hey, I had done pilates for five years prior to getting pregnant as well as pre-natal pilates until Addie was born…how hard could it be to snap back into shape?

Eighteen months later and I had barely flexed my core muscles.  Not the best way to get back into shape.  I ate well and walked a lot but I never really worked out.  I thought I looked pretty good until I saw pictures of myself and was NOT happy.  I could fit into my old jeans but they were a little tighter in the hips. I told myself that hips just get wider after a woman gives birth – it happens to everyone!  But it was harder to explain away the tummy.  And the soft, flabby arms.  And oh my, those thighs.   So I got on our family room floor and did my pilates.  I joined a gym and went as often as Addie would agree to go.  Things tightened, muscles returned.  I eventually got down to my pre-Addie weight and size but my body was just — different. The shape was a little curvier, I was no longer skin, muscle and bone.  I could see the top half of the six pack that used to grace my midsection but there was that damn flap of skin that stretches out when you have a child inhabit your body for nine and a half months.  Even though I could feel the muscles beneath that tummy skin I had no idea how to tighten the actual skin.  I figured I had worked hard and my body was as good as it was gonna get – until I gave birth to baby number two and paid for a secret tummy tuck.  Laugh all you want, call me vain, I don’t care – I wanted my abs back.

Then Tracy Anderson came into my life.  Heard of her? She is a trainer to the stars, namely a little known celebrity by the name of Madonna.  Oh yeah, she also trains Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Hudson and a number of other unbelievably toned bodies out there.  I had reached the point that I was using google to find ab toning techniques – ANYTHING to make my stomach completely flat again, up popped Ms. Anderson.

After a little research I found her Post-pregnancy DVD and shipped off my $30 packed carefully in my dreams of a perfect midsection.  When the dvd arrived it took me two weeks to open the shrinkwrap, unroll my yoga mat and get to it.  I didn’t think I was in bad shape until I huffed and puffed and groaned my way through this workout.  Holy mackerel it was HARD.  It made me sweat. It made me ache. It was the toughest workout I had ever done in my life, and this crazy woman on the screen was telling me to do it six days a week.  Not happening.  I decided on every other day and did my best to stick to it.  After three workouts I started to see the difference.  Abs were tighter.  Arms were stronger.  Golf game was better.  Skin flap was starting to disappear!  And as an added bonus, love handles were shrinking and my back was no longer soft along my waist!

Glory glory hallelujah!  Trancy Anderson quickly went from crazy woman to genius and sticking to my every other day routine became easy and I now actually look forward to my workout.  The insane moves that once seemed impossible are now enjoyable and I no longer stare at the TV and ask, “seriously? How do you expect me to do that?” I am in love.

And I have a flat stomach again.  And strong arms.  Before this DVD the only time I worked on my arms was when I was blow drying my hair.  Now they’re toned!

Every single body is different.  Every body requires a different routine.  But if you have been working out and just can’t get to the next level, buy this DVD.  Stick with it.  If you are disciplined and serious about improving your body this will do it.  In the intro of the DVD Tracy says that you should start the workout as soon as your doctor releases you to exercise, but if you can do this workout that soon after popping out your baby, you deserve a medal.  To get the most out of the workout make sure you understand how to access your core and work it properly – a beginners pilates routine can teach you the basic technique.  And as great as she is with creating a routine that strengthens your accessory muscles,  Tracy Anderson could use a little guidance on how to lead a DVD workout.  The first few times you follow along with her you have to watch and listen carefully or you’ll have no idea what is going on.  Once you get into the workout and start to see the results I’m sure you will be as thrilled as I am, maybe you’ll even want to tell all the other mothers that you know!

Say goodbye to those irritating spots that so many moms just accept as part of motherhood.  Love handles, tummy flap, flappy arms – you can say goodbye to all of them with a little (okay, a lot) of sweat and 47 minutes of “you time”.  Do it.  Tell me what you think.  I hope it works as well for you as it has for me!